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My Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Love |
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AngelEyes Junior Member
since 2000-09-27
Posts 14Wisconsin, US |
Like walking along the beach, waves rushing over your feet... your soul at peace... and free Like blood rushing thru your veins, your heart beating wildly... your body numb... and free. Like gazing at the stars, the moon softly glowing... your mind relaxed... and free. My love for you will always be. To find the depth and meaning of true love you must search deep inside |
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| © Copyright 2000 AngelEyes - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
hi angel i only have a minute right now, but welcome to CA which is a place where people try and help you improve your writing - we are mostly all "amateur" writers so please bear in mind that anything i say is just my own opinion. in this piece you seem to have managed to use many of the words and phrases that cause some poets here to squirm a bit.....ie: beach soul free thru heart beating wildly gazing at the stars moon softly glowing mind relaxed always be i don't want to come off as unkind but if you want people to read and be moved by and interested in your poems you really have to try and say something with meaning, interest and preferably with a new angle or two. this poem does none of those things, for reasons that i haven't got time to go into right now, but if nobody else replies to you shortly, i promise i'll get back within the next hour or two. anyway, as i said before, welcome to CA - you are brave to post this here  philip PS just popping back for a moment to say that i've just read your poems in Open. One would almost think they'd been written by another poet so substantially better are they than this! [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 09-28-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ok hi again angeleyes before i start please understand that I'm not attacking you as a person or even as a poet ....this is just my own personal opinion of the poem you have posted in Critical Analysis. The main problem with this poem in my view is that you have set yourself an incredibly difficult task, viz that of trying to express a very strong, subjective and above all abstract emotion ie "your love". possibly subconsciously, because of the immense difficulty of conveying such a feeling in mere words on a piece of paper, you have simply taken refuge in the secondhand language of zillions of others similar "love" poems - practically all of which "borrow" from the romantic greats. The fact that the reader has probably read a few hundred poems like this immediately makes your piece uninteresting and un-memorable. that is a bad start, but worse is to come! if you actually think carefully about what you wrote you might see that it doesn't actually mean much, you basically say that you'll love someone for ever (which in itself stretches credibility just a little, no?) On the assumption that you are dealing with your love for another person as opposed to that person him or herself you seem to have attempted to present a list of similes for a feeling you are feeling. quite apart from the fact that I am not sure what is "peaceful" about "waves rushing over your feet", none of the similes or images resonate in anyway with my idea of what a person in love might feel. this is at least partly due to the fact that they are all horribly overused cliches. someone recently explained part of the problem with cliches as follows: "In general, cliches are a problem because they work against the interest of the poet in opening new ways for the reader to view emotions or events. Cliches allow the reader to easily categorize the poet's intent and thus close the door to deeper consideration of whatever message the poet was trying to deliver. Poets write about the same subjects over and over again - sex, love, the search for meaning in the world, etc. - and the challenge is always to find ways to express some truths about these in a form that engages the reader." if you intended this poem to convey to readers some of the emotions you were feeling then in my opinion it failed in a big way - if you intended it just as a personal outlet for a flood of emotion "from the heart" then maybe for you it provided some satisfaction and to that extent succeeded. lines such as this (please forgive me copying them) from your piece in Open are more interesting, and actually say something: "As I read the words you spoke in the past Words from a mold you previously cast "I love you" was all you needed to say" and the title of that poem "Truth Lies Within" was a nice touch too. sorry to be negative about this poem, but having seen your other work, I know you can do a lot better! philip |
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AngelEyes Junior Member
since 2000-09-27
Posts 14Wisconsin, US |
Thank you so much phillip for being honest. You expressed your opinion very eliquently. Actually, I wrote this poem saying good bye to my best friend, I loved him enough to set him free, and just as peaceful as the other decriptives in the poem, my heart was at peace. again... thank you for speaking so sincerely. I dont write often, but the poems that do come to me, do so after deep thought. I really wanted to post one of my other poems here instead of the open forum but I didn't see this room until I had posted them there already. *sigh* but please feel free to crtique them, I am interested how close you come to the meaning of them, and I welcome the constructive criticism! To find the depth and meaning of true love you must search deep inside |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
and thank YOU for taking my comments so well and constructively in the spirit i meant them - i'll certainly try and look at your other poems in more detail, but you'll have to give me a day or two i'm kinda busy right now thanks again for your response P |
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AngelEyes Junior Member
since 2000-09-27
Posts 14Wisconsin, US |
I have been trying to check back as often as I can, in hopes of seeing a critique on my other poems.  ) I have been busy busy busy as well. Maybe tomarrow I will take some of my solitude time to write. *sweetsmile* |
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