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YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2000-09-28 01:00 PM

I desire the hunt.
The adrenaline,
blood pounding,
air sucking,
reeking of
primordial instinctual
type that transports me-
I exit my sedentary orbit.
Conquest is my only quest-

The kill quells my fire.

A bird in hand be damned!
It is the one in the bush,
who forces my hand
to the trigger,
and my mind’s eye
to the scope of
things appearing greener
on the other side.

I ooze disdain
for the trappings
of caged melodies sung in tones
of constant re-wind,
on bars of molasses-like refrain.

I’ll take the hunt any-day,
over this bloody,
ear shattering grind!

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

1 posted 2000-09-28 07:20 PM

hi YM

...the first stanza can be interpretated in soooo many ways lol, can u guess my first thought?

...where I live, filling your freezer for winter means going hunting not the grocery store, these lines would describe more what the prey is feeling not the hunter,

"The adrenaline,
blood pounding,
air sucking,
reeking of
primordial instinctual"

just my opinion and how I feel when hunting. Anyone who feels like this with a gun in their hands should be feared

"of caged melodies sung in tones
of constant re-wind,
on bars of molasses-like refrain."

...I really liked these lines, they set up the ending of your poem

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

2 posted 2000-09-29 03:54 PM

hi yeshujah.  you've got some neat things happening here.  i think maybe they're getting a little muddled or miscommunicated on the way out.

ok.  "reeking of
primordial instinctual
type"
I immediately thought type as in letters.  i assume that is not what you meant.  i think if you add an "a" before primordial you'd be good.  or you could always choose a different word.  either way.

also, i don't like your hyphens.   now, i also have issues with hyphen use.  this is a personal problem.  i am trying to deal.  but seriously, the way you've done them it looks like you're going to continue the word in the next line.  just put a space in there. or you could make me really happy and choose a different type of punctuation.

i wouldnt say hand twice so close together like that in the third stanza.  i like the double meaning on the green, but i think maybe you could be a little vauger - that is to say, show more rather than telling.  it jsut seems a little plainer than the rest of your poem.

NOT a fan of the hyphen in anyone.  that word does not have a hyphen.  PLEASE take it out.  (you're noticing my thing for hyphens now, arent you?  sorry bout that)

i suppose that's all from me.  oh, except maybe reconsider pairing "conquest" and "quest".  sorta sounds a little funny.

luv Elyse

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