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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
When she wasn't looking, I saw through her cornea; It reflected the color of her iris and I saw the world In an amber warmth, a touching, soft, slowed down World; my hypertension relaxed. I saw how she looked and how she felt A center, a moment, an anchor, an axis, But she moved to touch the back of my neck And I returned to driving the car While smiling at her naivety. I turned a corner and on my periphery I saw two women walking the road -- Blond, shorts, sunglasses, T-shirts. I didn't move, but ever so clandestinely Shifted my pupils in their direction. Suddenly, a sharp pain attacked my chest As I glimpsed her hand returning to its previous position. "I saw that," she said. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
There's no way I can criticize this! Honest! And I tried, I really did... Karilea When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
 brad, i really havent anything to criticize, i liked this poem muchly. the only thing i can think of is that it seems a rather protracted scene, with him gazing at her, and, if he's driving, well. you know. but perhaps you meant that all those things tripped swiftly into each other?luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well Brad, just so you don't begin to think everyone here is just kissing up  I can find a little something to critisize. Who do you know who uses cornea and iris in ordinary conversation. To me these are words we tend to use in medical discussions. As such, the beginning just felt a little sterile. It almost turned me against the poem from the beginning. Now rest assured that I don't want to be kissing up with the next statement but had it not been posted under your name I might have stopped there. Instead, I read on and was pleasantly surprised byt the rest of the scene. There may be a reason for your word choice but it escapes me here. IMHO the poem would be improved by rewording the beginning. I know you can do it. But of course this is JMHO. Thanks, Pete |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
you like telling stories against yourself eh brad?...lol...'specially where your wife is concerned ...no? there's a lot to go at here and i haven't got much time but here goes: When she wasn't looking, I saw through her cornea; >>> nice immediate suggestion of the speaker's supposed cleverness - the idea of "seeing through" the subject - "having her sussed" as it were without her knowledge - smug speaker! It reflected the color of her iris and I saw the world In an amber warmth, a touching, soft, slowed down World; >>> i liked at first to think of the speaker seeing her eyes through the rear view mirror (or a mirror at least) - difficult to see (as elyse says) how you can look at someone with that intensity while they are sitting beside you and drive at the same time. The rear view mirror fits quite well with touching the "back of my neck" but not so well with " a sharp pain attacked my chest As I glimpsed her hand returning to its previous position"......anyway whatever It reflected the color of her iris and I saw the world In an amber warmth, a touching, soft, slowed down World; >>> this is perhaps my favourite part of the poem. The image conveyed and the language used marry up well and the gradual slowing down of the speed with the use of frequent caesurae and the interjection of the single syllable "soft" (and a couple of "s"'s) excellently gets over the transference of her relaxation to the speaker. The "full-stop" of the word "World" on the next line is really good brad .... at that point things are at a nice warm relaxed standstill...no? my hypertension relaxed. >>> confirmed by this line. perhaps unnecessarily confirmed though? i thought this line was maybe stating the unobvious in that there is no indication beforehand that the speaker is particularly hyper tense. Hyper tense is a very strong word to just drop into the piece out of the blue .... surely you've already conveyed the impression that "looking through her eyes has relaxed you" so why do you have to be hyper tense before - wouldnt just normal do? am i missing something here? I saw how she looked and how she felt A center, a moment, an anchor, an axis, >>> ok at this point i see the speaker at the zenith of his experience but I'm not absolutely clear what you were shooting for here: either the peek through her eyes has genuinely moved the speaker to a higher and more honest perception of things, albeit momentarily. The line " A center, a moment, an anchor, an axis" seems to tend toward this interpretation. Or else the smugness is still there and he is merely confident that he can see things as she sees them, she is relaxed and unaware of his potential for duplicity, and therefore he convinces himself that he too can be relaxed - confident that he is not in danger of being "found out"! But she moved to touch the back of my neck And I returned to driving the car While smiling at her naivety. >>> these lines don't shed a great deal of light on which of the above two scenarios is "correct" - they could fit with either. I sort of interpreted the touch on the neck as a call back to reality as well as possibly imbued with an element of threat. but by the line "While smiling at her naivety." the speaker is fully back in his world of smug complacency. and either: any brief understanding of her feelings and any brief glimpse of the world from her perspective making him nearer to her has gone or: from the brief contact with her world through her eyes he is now more than ever convinced that HE is in control ...lol (still not sure which it is - or which i prefer) I turned a corner and on my periphery >>> nice double allusion thingy (the "turn" in the poem) - and the remainder of the piece is concerned with taking the speaker down a peg or two...lol... in quite a humorous way I saw two women walking the road -- Blond, shorts, sunglasses, T-shirts. I didn't move, but ever so clandestinely Shifted my pupils in their direction. >>> this makes me think the mirror thing was right! Suddenly, a sharp pain attacked my chest As I glimpsed her hand returning to its previous position. "I saw that," she said. >>> quite a few nice ideas here brad - the introduction of the overt "clandestinely" but with the implication that she sees just as much through the speaker's eyes as he does through hers, and perhaps a lot more. also the idea that relationships are often formed and altered by small almost insignificant glimpses and actions. but what comes through most strongly of course is the speaker's own self deception. and hey, i guess you have a permanently bruised chest? .....lol thanks brad philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 09-28-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi brad ...when I read the first 2 lines I was thinking 'oh no, another poem I can't follow' but I was wrong lol, a very clinical interpretation for a guy who's googling other women with his wife next to him ...I aways regarded this sort of thing as 'look but don't touch' but I like this idea better 'Suddenly, a sharp pain attacked my chest' although it sounds more like a heart attack then a slap to the chest, or was it a punch lol? ...and just when you thought you coud get away with a corner of the eye glance heh lol thanks for the read brad debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: I can certainly appreciate the complexities of this poem that Philip mentioned in his critique and I appreciated the irony of the "naivety" of the guy in this piece ... and I speak from experience when I say "I feel your pain." It is an annoying (and difficult to control) reflex. Well ... maybe not SO annoying. But there is one thing that is nagging at me ... I saw the slap coming. The slap doesn't seem to explode into the scene as it did into your chest ... perhaps the word "Suddenly" is the culprit or perhaps it is the location of the "Suddenly" line in relation to the shifting pupils. Just a few thoughts. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, Sheeeesh...that Philip guy can be a bit long-winded, hmmm? I did think this was cleverly written...such a simple thing as a glance at members of the opposite sex, and the action-reaction it can have in a marriage. I like the way you take simple, everyday things in relationships, and turn them into readable, well-written works. Very nice job, Brad, Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who replied. Sunshine, Thank you. Elyse, Thanks, See below on the driving watching thing. Pete, I'm shooting for a literal image in the first two lines. In a sense, he's seeing a profile of her and the light is filtered by the edge of her eye. I saw this once and just reversed it. It was in a car, stopped for a stoplight. Also, this was part of a challenge to write a poem about a brown eyed girl (as opposed to blue or green) and decided that I wouldn't use brown or eye in the poem itself. That's not an excuse though. Philip, or: from the brief contact with her world through her eyes he is now more than ever convinced that HE is in control ...lol --that's what I was shooting for. There's a little more here in that, I think he thinks, she's a traditionalist with a central hold on reality and he is a de-centered post-modernist (you can see the poem in two parts but the second one is broken up). She has a center and he think he is that center sort of thing. debbie, It's suppose to look like a heart attack; the guy has hypertension. I was trying to play on the first stanza here so that it seems he thinks, for a moment, that he is having a heart attack. In a sense, I wanted to play with the idea of a center. He thinks she thinks he is the center but without her, he has a simulated heart attack. Who's the real center of the relationship? Jim, Understood. Definitely may rethink the position of 'suddenly'. Thanks. Kris, Thanks. If you haven't notices the ironies in relationship (or of the constant little power plays and momentary shifts in overconfidence in relationships) fascinate me. Talk to ya later, Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"that's what I was shooting for. There's a little more here in that, I think he thinks, she's a traditionalist with a central hold on reality and he is a de-centered post-modernist" >>> yes .. that comes through ok i think - if you want to attach recognisable and conventional philosophical labels to it thats fine, it maybe clarifies what you were doing (you can see the poem in two parts but the second one is broken up). She has a center and he think he is that center sort of thing. >>> i did .. two very clear parts actually It's suppose to look like a heart attack; the guy has hypertension. I was trying to play on the first stanza here so that it seems he thinks, for a moment, that he is having a heart attack. >>> damn i missed that entirely ..lol - guess my writing off of the hypertension didn't help - but then i'm not good at picking up medically related allusion. In a sense, I wanted to play with the idea of a center. He thinks she thinks he is the center but without her, he has a simulated heart attack. Who's the real center of the relationship? >>> yes - the examination of delusions, self-deception, conceit etc etc comes through fine, but then, as you say, one comes to expect that from your poems! P [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-01-2000).] |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
~Brad~ This is my favourite of yours, very well expressed. I have no criticisms, you added a uniqueness to an everyday occurence with men and I'm sure that all men relate to your pain I also liked your use of the words cornea, iris and axis, you have a great way with words and use them with flair, don't change a thing!Take care, Melissa Honeybee The beauty of poetry gives my soul wings to fly free within dreams |
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