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Withdrawal
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Withdrawal |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
I'm craving touch. the gleam of fingertips cross lotion-smoothed skin the sizzle of infant whiskers on lips traversing jaws that potent way of breathing hushed and deep, full and rich the shivering of shirts from the frenzied thump within the clamor of our electrons as they interchange their orbits the sigh of lips on lips as they cling long to each other. Just to smooth my skin and kiss me. But there's noone here to do it. [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 09-17-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not bad, not bad at all. I like the ending. thanks, Brad |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi brad! thanx for the reply.  always nice to get kind words from you luv Elyse |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Elyse: I liked this poem very much. I think the "clamor of our electrons" broke the otherwise intimate mood of the poem (describing the physics of intimacy was not your intent, I think) but, with the exception of that line and the few that followed, I thought the poem developed exceptionally well. I, like Brad, enjoyed the abruptness of the ending but, for me, it was like a second cold shower after bumping into those electrons. Thanks for the read, Elyse. I enjoyed it. Jim |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi jim! im glad y'all like this. hmm, i will think about changing the science thing. on multiple readings i think i see what you were getting at. worth a look at least BTW, ya know, cold showers arent that good for you...  luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Under certain conditions, cold showers are necessary, whether good or not  OBTW, I too enjoyed your poem. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi guys, i just went out to the quad after class and these lines just came to me. they are to replacements, and start after the frenzied line the lick of innner fire ignited by these matches only the tangleing of lips as they knead life in each other. so, whaddya think about that? luv Elyse |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
pete! how rude of me not to thank you for taking the time to respond to me. im a dork. (hanging head in shame  )you still love me anyway tho, right? luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Elyse, my dear, how could I not? And you are certainly not a dork, just extra busy with that schoolwork I'm sure. Pete P.S. Thanks for commenting on mine. Its beginning to look like you may be the only one to do so  |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi elyse sorry for taking so long to read your poem...it's our busiest time of year here I looked for the word 'noone' in the last line, is that a typo? I couldn't find what it's definition is. I enjoyed reading it, I've never thought of the word 'withdrawal' when it came to this subject matter lol debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Hey Elyse, sorry I'm so long in replying. Very nice, though you sound a bit lonley. I really liked the originality of this one. Nice write. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
sorry debs for taking so long to reply to YOU. im really getting bad at this. anyway, yeah, i guess that was kinda a typo, i meant to put no one. sorry to confuse, but thanks for reading forrest - im glad you liked it. no worries about me being lonely tho. i think i have that well covered. luv Elyse |
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