Untitled - (An attempt at a Sonnet)

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SouthernSiren
Junior Member

since 2000-09-14

Posts 16

0 posted 2000-09-20 04:18 PM

Please, stay with me. Do not threaten by word
Or by thoughts of deed, but put to action
Your portentous speech and eccentric motion,
To leave me alone. In return you would
Say good-bye or let intention be heard.
Noble freedom you think to give, a notion
Of your thoughtlessness to walk. My emotion
To think clearly when you act and speak absurd,
Diminishes in the turmoil of my cry.
Forever doomed am I? If you leave today?
Might I grow feeble, cease to live; to die?
Please leave then. For I would be sane. Go away,
Speak no more of threats. I say a good-bye
To you and will seek a new love come May.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2000-09-20 04:56 PM

First, my compliments on attempting your first sonnet. Your rhyme scheme is pretty good except "would" on line 4 is just too far off to work. Your theme is also pretty good. But there are some shortcomings. There are places where you bent the rules of grammar as well as coherence in attempts to make the rhyme work. Finally, your meter is wrong and inconsistent.

Although you have a good start and the poem has good potential, I would look on this as a first draft. I'm sure you can hone it into a much better offering with just a little more effort. Of course, this is JMHO and may not agree with yours or anyone else, for that matter.

Thanks,
Pete

SouthernSiren
Junior Member

since 2000-09-14

Posts 16

2 posted 2000-09-20 08:43 PM

Pete,

Thank you very much for your comments and any advice is gladly accepted. I don't think it is that bad for my first sonnet, but it has much potential and can be better; my reason for posting here. I would like help to hone it. One question though, what do you mean by meter? All in all I have just started writing poetry, or should I say--attempting to write poetry and some words pertaining to poetry I do not understand.

Yes, I was flustered with 'would'....It took me thirty minutes to come up with this and I just wasn't sure about it.

Thank you for reading and for your input, it is much appreciated.

Take care,
Jen

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2000-09-21 11:21 AM

Hello again. It’s a pretty big subject but I’ll try to answer your question briefly. Meter refers to the rhythm of the poem. In simplified terms, this is the consistent pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in each line. Iambic means an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed, as in da-DUM. Pentameter means five stressed syllables per line. Thus each iambic pentameter line would sound something like:

     Da-DUM | da-DUM | da-DUM | da-DUM | da-DUM

Pretty simple so far isn’t it? With that said, I will try to fix the meter of your poem. All I am doing here is working on the meter so my attempts will probably clobber the meaning and may not be grammatically correct or even make sense. But here goes.

                  Come May

   Please, stay with me and threaten not by word
   By thought or deed, nor bring to bear the action
   Of pompous speech and cruel eccentric motion
   To leave me all alone, my love deferred.
   You say good-bye and make intent be heard
   To give me noble freedom through that notion
   Of thoughtlessness to walk while my emotion
   To clearly think when faced with deeds absurd.
   Diminish yet the turmoil of my cry,
   Forever hopeless if you leave today,
   Might I grow feeble, cease to live -- to die?
   Please go then, leave me sane, just go away
   And speak no more of threats. I bid good-bye
   To you this time, to seek new love come May.

Read both versions aloud several times and I think you will begin to understand the feel of the meter. Notice the difference in the smooth flow of words in one versus the other. You will notice that I have left 4 lines with what appears to be an extra unstressed syllable at the end. These are known as feminine endings and are acceptable if used carefully. But that’s an even more complex subject to deal with later.

Possibly a more important transgression is the requisite turn. In an Italian sonnet, which this is, the octet (first eight lines) should present a situation and the sestet (last six lines) are the resolution. In other words, there is a turn at the ninth line. This one turns more or less at line ten or maybe line eight. As I understand it, this is not to be done. But, in the short amount of time I had I couldn’t fix that without completely destroying your work. I’ll leave that for you to address if you so choose.

I also was bothered by the way you flowed the first quatrain (four lines) into the second. Sometimes this works and sometimes not. I'm not sure whether this can be done in an Italian sonnet but, in any case, I didn't like it here so I changed it. This probably messes up your intended context and the grammar is a little off too, but this is just a quick edit to demonstrate meter.

Well, I did go back and work on the turn a little after all, but it still needs a lot of help in that area. Notice also that I added a title. That is important to me but many (maybe even most) sonnets from the past were not titled, so your choice.

Jen, the more I look at your poem, the more I begin to like it. I really hope you will work on it and repost when done. Hidden beneath the technical problems is a real jewel, IMHO.

< !signature-->

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
       Albert Einstein

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 09-21-2000).]

SouthernSiren
Junior Member

since 2000-09-14

Posts 16

4 posted 2000-09-21 12:22 PM

Well Pete, you have certainly opened my eyes a great deal. Not that they were so much as closed, but I must admit -- I did not know as much as I thought I did.

I did as you said and read each poem against each other several times. I believe I now have the understanding of meter. The -turn- part is still a bit sketchy but I am going to do a bit of studying.

My only fear; to revise and work out the technical parts and come up with something different, that it would still lack the simple editing you did to make a whole new meaning, which really sounds just as I had intended in the first place. Make sense?

I have saved your critical analysis to go over again and again. And I thank you so much for taking your time to help me. It is very much appreciated and it was very much needed.

Also, I never like to leave anything untitled. I left this sonnet as such because I knew I would get feedback on it -- thus a title that had been chosen, may not be appropriate after revision. Come May is perfect. I love the ending to the sonnet and I would like to keep that.

So.....its off to work I go. Again, thank you Pete. Hopefully I can do it proud.

take care,
Jen

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