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Critical Analysis #1
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Romy
Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida

0 posted 2000-09-18 09:24 AM


I'm still trying to work this one out, and also wonder if the last line is too much of a cliche. Any comments?

She didn’t cry when he died,
instead,
she waded far out into the salty sea
filling her belly with the bitter taste
of each unpredictable wave,
as it came crashing down upon her.
The hot flames of the unmerciful sun,
singed her hair,
burning holes in her eyes
as she drifted aimlessly with the tide,
headed in no particular direction.
Finally,
when the days turned into years,
there was nothing left of her but fragile bones,
floating on the surface of the rough water
and her heart,
laying in the cold dark abyss below.


© Copyright 2000 Deborah L. Carter - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-09-18 12:37 PM


Debbie:

I found the subject matter of this poem unsettling (I think this was your intent) but I think you could expand on your theme a bit, stringing the reader along for a while before revealing that the woman had every intention of making this swim her last.  While I am not a big fan of Robert Browning, I think he does a good job of "stringing the reader" in "Porphyria's Lover".  Perhaps that poem would give you a sense of what I am talking about.

Oftentimes, what gives a poem like this punch is an unexpected turn and I think such a turn would benefit this poem a great deal.  Just a suggestion.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 09-18-2000).]

Romy
Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida
2 posted 2000-09-18 02:34 PM


Hi Jim!
I read the poem "Porphyria's Lover" and it's very chilling!  I see what you mean about leading the reader along.

Actually, the character in my poem did not end her life.  I was attempting to use metaphors to create the sense of despair this woman felt in her life after the death of a loved one. That in a sense, She gave up any notion of happiness and drifted along over the years, unable to visualize or change the direction that her life was going in.
Drifting through her life, slowly putting an end to her unhappy life, long before she finally dies.

Guess I better get back to work, huh?
Debbie

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-09-18 11:43 PM


The first lines of this poem works pretty well. I'd try to skin it of some of that verbiage though. The images stands on its own.

The ending is too much. Beware the demon of hyperbole.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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