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Critical Analysis #1
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little girl in boulder
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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little girl in boulder |
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glorybox Junior Member
since 2000-09-17
Posts 26 |
little girl so pretty nobody knows how little girl screaming to the silence of the night hey there, little girl where did you go? it cannot be so bad to be remembered so little pretty face and pretty little hands to fight off what evil came and cover your pretty eyes hey there, little girl where are you going? where have you been? isn't it just fine? little scars and little cuts little girl bruises too scream the pain and scream the rage wipe your pretty eyes are you trying to cry? are you scared? do you know what's coming? do you know who it is? daddy daddy daddy is mommy here, too? daddy daddy daddy i'm too little for you |
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| © Copyright 2000 Amy Robinson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Welcome to CA. It seems however that you've put yourself in a conundrum here. The piece is far too vague but if you moved it in a more descriptive manner, you might make it too graphic and therefore inappropriate for this site. What do you do? To be honest, I'm not sure. As it is, I think you might consider a less intense moment than the one presented, you might consider only hinting at the reality and show how such acts influence the manner in which the girl acts even when not directly presented with the nightmare above. Just an idea, Brad |
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glorybox Junior Member
since 2000-09-17
Posts 26 |
This piece is one of my spoken pieces, one I have performed a bit for an audience. I have been developing it into somewhat of a folky song. I had thoughts of JonBenet Ramsey at the time, she was all over the papers and the television, and I could not get her out of my mind. This was for her, I presume intentionally, and I am proud of it because it seemed effortless. Thank you for your critique, as I hope to post more and get a realistic response when I need one. I enjoy this site more than any other I have visited, and say THANK YOU. glorybox |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Hi Glorybox, I can't pretend to be an expert but I did recognize this form as a type of slam poetry! The message is very intense and thought-provoking! I agree with Brad though, it's a little bit vague, although I was eager to understand more about the little girl's feelings. I have been told many times in the past by experienced writers to try and use the expression "Show don't tell" when creating poetry. Strong images and details can be very effective, and send a powerful message to the reader! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
gb: I can see how this would work as a folk song (the added layer of music and/or dramatics could flesh out some of areas where the words seem to fall a little short). JonBenet Ramsey was brought to my mind by your title and this recollection helped me deal with the vagueness of the first stanza. However, the same recollection of the Ramsey murder underscored the sketchiness (in my mind) of the circumstances surrounding JonBenet's murder. This caused the last stanza to fail for me. In my opinion, the questions raised in the poem should, like the Denver case, remain open. I think this would give the poem more punch than the daddy lines. The mystery, in my opinion, is one of the elements that makes this particular story so sad. Just an opinion. Jim |
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glorybox Junior Member
since 2000-09-17
Posts 26 |
Thank you to all of you for your comments. A work in progress, and I know it is in here somewhere to make it a better piece. I did stray away from the visual depictions and descriptiveness, I presume because the piece is a very intense subject that even I don't think I could grasp to imagine. Again, though, thank you, and I will give it a go. glorybox |
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