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Critical Analysis #1
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Winter Moon
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Winter Moon |
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wordancer Senior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 809VA 
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Silvery shines the distant, cold winter moon; Heavy lies the old mantle on trees that bow. Dark reflections branch out on crystal snow, As shadows sail by the serene luna balloon Echoes the lonely call of the far night loon. Cries forlorn voice from the past so long ago; Muffled layers of emotions that sigh so low, Yearns to where the stars are thickly strewn. Patient lies the deep winter in dormant state, For in this quiet time let hope be not denied As the frozen night pursues a new spring day, My love, let it be not too long an endless wait. As my tired soul seeks the turning of new tide, No longer will my life be dismal winterly gray. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Beverly A. Tift - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, well we have a sonnet. I'm tempted to let others (Pete - not a poet - of course, comes immediately to mind) who are far more attuned to this type of style than I am. Nevertheless, some of this works for me. I think your meter is off in some places -- I'm generally not a big fan of strong stresses in the beginning of lines unless they are used for strategic purposes. Also, your lack of enjambment doesn't do much for the overall flow. How do you pronounce 'bow'? Interestingly enough, I liked the unlikely comparison between echoes and shadows - common enough images in poetry but I don't think I've even seen them compare like this. I was hoping for more of twist on your traditional ending but what are you gonna do? You do create a strong atmosphere if a little to heavy on the 's' sounds. One line really bothers me: Patient lies the deep winter in dormant state If it is winter (moon and night) then how can it be dormant? Just an opinion, Brad |
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wordancer Senior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 809VA |
Well now, as you can probably tell, this was my first attempt at a sonnet; this is why I threw it out in such rough form. I know that it is not well done and I’m fumbling around with it. I usually write very loosely structured free form and haiku; so attempting something like this on my own is like jumping off a very high word cliff—freefall! Such fun! Anyway thanks for the comments, which was what I was looking for before I try tearing this apart and revising it. I needed someone to point the areas that are not working and give me some direction with my revision. Methinks, my meter is off in a lot places, just because of the fact I’m not used to the confines of a more ridged form. And the stresses, yikes, just started to do some light reading/studying in that area, to see what I can pick up on my own. Lack of enjambment was also duly noted. I agreed on the first line of the sestet; in fact, I do believe I ended up confusing myself on that one…grin. Traditional ending…hum, darn. Now I will have to work on that and see what I can come up with. Thanks for the comment about the “shadows and echoes” of mine, I do tend to think rather untraditional about the ways I use my words…and it is nice to know when it works for others. Bow is pronounced the same as in “a bow on a package”. Being used to show a curve or a bend. Brad, I do thank you for your time and consideration, it is very much appreciated. And I’m still open to critique and comments from anyone else. Lady Nogs [This message has been edited by Lady Noggins (edited 09-18-2000).] |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
well, Im not going to critique your style or anything like that, because Im not very good at sonnets either, but I am going to point out a technical point in you poem. You speak of winter and of snow, yet in line five you mention a loon. Now being a born and bread Minnesotan, I know a little bit about winter and snow, and that I have never ever heard a loon durring the winter. You might want to change it, I know that the wolves are much more audible in winter. Just thought Id point that out to you. Good luck. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi LN, Well, Brad was tempted but he just couldn't wait. Anyway, he did point out most of the major problems. Okay, before I start, I want to say this is just one opinion and not a very educated one at that. But I have written a few sonnets and would like to offer any help I can. (Thanks for the plug, I think, Brad.) So, with that said, here goes. There seems to be little acceptance of variation from the strict sonnet form. At least until one becomes proficient enough at it that everyone knows those variations were intentional. The common, expected, and certainly most acceptable, meter is iambic pentameter, and you missed that quite a bit. Most of your lines have the feel of six feet rather than five, although the meter within lines is inconsistent. I would encourage you to limit yourself to the common meter until you feel that you can do so almost effortlessly. Then begin to experiment with variations. I have posted some sonnets with 6 and even 7 foot lines (but still predominately iambic) which have been accepted by some but not all. I even have one in anapestic meter, but I haven't been brave enough to post it yet because it has a couple of lines I just don't like. Maybe someday. Well, I digress, so back to your poem. Okay, I'll try to quickly clean up your meter some. Remember this is quick and the only intent is to demonstrate the proper meter. Therefore, it may destroy the context and may even clobber the grammar some  I don't mean to rewrite your poem but just to suggest how you might rethink it if you choose to rewrite.Silver shines the distant winter moon And heavy lies the sheet that makes trees bow; Their dark reflections grace the crystal snow As shadows cross the moon's serene balloon. The lonely echoes from the far night loon That cries forlorn from past so long ago, The layers of emotions sigh so low, We yearn for where the stars are thickly strewn. Patient seems the winter's dormant state, For in this time let hope not be denied As frozen night pursues a new spring day, My love, let it be not an endless wait. My soul now seeks the turning of new tide, No longer will my life be dismal gray. Well, I warned that the poem would be pretty well butchered but at least the meter flows more or less properly. You will notice there is a missing first syllable on the first line. This is alright because there is a valid reason and it will be obvious that it was left off intentionally. This is not uncommon at all. All the rest of the lines are strict (well almost strict) iambic pentameter. There may be some question about lack of stress on some syllables but this can serve to break monotony and even make the poem more pleasing to read, giving it a more natural feel. Now there are still some other problems. Like I said, I messed up the context a bit and that needs to be fixed. As Brad pointed, you should try to include some enjambment, but that should be easier to do now that we have shortened the lines anyway (not as much room on a line to complete a thought so it naturally wants to spill over to the next). I would like to see 2 or 3 lines enjambed but try to not look forced. Overdoing this makes a poem difficult to read so be careful. I'm not particularly fond of ballon in line 4 as it feels like a forced rhyme. It would be alright if you can lead into it better so it doesn't seem forced. Also, "dormant winter" and "winter loon" may be inappropriate, as mentioned by Brad and Der Keit. You might do well to substitute something for "soul" in line 13 as it is pretty much overused and really isn't what you want there anyway. Well, of course, this is JMHO and probably not worth the (electronic) paper it is written on. So take it with the grain of salt it deserves. But if I have in any way helped you on your way to sonnet writing, then my day is made  Thanks, < !signature--> Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 09-18-2000).] |
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wordancer Senior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 809VA |
quote: Pete, to me this is well worth the time you took with this, and I thank you. Truthfully, I’m bit in the dark with this feet thing and iambic pentameter, etc. Now I can take my version; your reworking of the meter that you so graciously supply me with; and reference material on meter/sonnets and start making some sense of it. Yes, you made me a happy camper. Anytime you want assistance with haiku let me know, I been deeply involved with them for two years now, and just started working with a haiku coach about 4 months ago.Der Keet, knew I would get a hit on the loons, actually I was a bit uncomfortable using them at first until I did a bit of quick research on them. Their winter migratory pattern is all the coastal areas of the continental US (surprisingly, this includes the southern coast of Alaska). I live on the coast of Connecticut and we do have our share of cold/snowy winters, but I’m sure not like you have. Also, the 1998 return migration show sightings in mid-state MA and ME during the first two weeks of March which is still winter.http://birding.about.com/hobbies/birding/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.learner.org%2Fjnorth%2Fspring1998%2Fcritters%2Floon%2Findex.html So although my use of them in this matter is a bit untraditional, it is still logical. Although, I do have to admit the “wolf” image does has its appeal too, so I’m going to rethink this a little perhaps. Hopefully I can put a revision up by the end of the week. Thanks to both of you for your input. Lady Nogs |
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