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mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

0 posted 2000-09-10 04:47 PM

No Words Can Express

A new generation that sparkles with magnificent color,
defined by the subtle shades of your exuberance.
Your tranquil nature embraces your love for life,
you embark on each day with harmonious balance.

The inevitable changes gently transforming you,
your confidence shines through like a polished gem.
Your inner voice whispering softly as you sleep,
whispering dreams of the woman you've yet to become.

As I sadly watch the child diminish from my view,
a young enchanting woman emerges within her place.
The polished gem has now become a beautiful jewel,
intoxicatingly beautiful, rich with style and grace.

In your mind and your heart there is some confusion,
this will fade in time, your world will open to clarity.
My eyes see your purest form of essence shining through,
as you gingerly pass over the threshold of maturity.

The mother in me wanted to hold you close, not let go.
You looked back, as if you knew what I was writing.
Together we wiped the tears from each others cheeks,
you said, "Mom, thank you for helping me to find me."

(Cathy et Chantal, il n'y a pas de mots au monde qui peut exprimer comment je t'aime)

< !signature-->

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

[This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 09-11-2000).]

hawkat
New Member

since 2000-09-09

Posts 7

1 posted 2000-09-11 06:05 AM

Nice piece about watching a child bloom into maturity.Noticed a few punctuation errors though as follows.Stanza 1-line 1-the spelling is subtle-not suttle.Stanza 3,line 1-there should be no comma after "sadly watch" or you should move diminish into the plural for the line to make sense.Stanza 5,line 1 should have a full stop at the end.There should be no comma after "knew" and no comma after "tears" in line 3.Be careful not to overdo the punctuation,putting it where it does not fit.

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

2 posted 2000-09-11 12:33 PM

hi hawkat

...thank you for the spelling correction, you are right on the punctuation, haven't quite got the hang of it yet, am working on it

thanks for stopping by

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2000-09-15 12:06 PM

This is not a bad poem but I was immediately turned off by the title. The irony is that you did express it of course.

A new generation that sparkles with magnificent color,

--Not bad. I'm intrigued and want to read more.

defined by the subtle shades of your exuberance.
Your tranquil nature embraces your love for life,

--I don't think these add to the atmosphere you've already described.

you embark on each day with harmonious balance.

--I like this line though.

The inevitable changes gently transforming you,

--You don't need gently here.

your confidence shines through like a polished gem.
Your inner voice whispering softly as you sleep,
whispering dreams of the woman you've yet to become.

--Don't you think a simple description of the daughter might be more effective here?

As I sadly watch the child diminish from my view,
a young enchanting woman emerges within her place.

--This is okay but I think it would be more effective couched in a kind metaphor.

The polished gem has now become a beautiful jewel,

--What's the difference?

intoxicatingly beautiful, rich with style and grace.

--unnecessary.

In your mind and your heart there is some confusion,
this will fade in time, your world will open to clarity.

--Mind telling me when that happens. I'm always confused.

My eyes see your purest form of essence shining through,
as you gingerly pass over the threshold of maturity.

--Think you need to concentrate on the threshold more, expand the metaphor (it also echoes marriage which bring in a whole different way of looking at this poem).

The mother in me wanted to hold you close, not let go.
You looked back, as if you knew what I was writing.

--I liked this part.

Together we wiped the tears from each others cheeks,
you said, "Mom, thank you for helping me to find me."

--Would have preferred some ironic gesture that showed she did know what you were writing.

Just an opinion,
Brad

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

4 posted 2000-09-15 03:27 AM

hi brad

...I like your opinions cuz you bring up points and ideas that would not have crossed my mind otherwise, I'm going to put your suggestions into some thought over the weekend and see how it goes, I would like to make this poem as best as I can, its a piece of my heart for my daughter to take with her to university.

thanks brad

I'm right with ya on the confused part LOL

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

5 posted 2000-09-15 03:28 AM

OOPS! Gotta stop hittin' that button twice!

[This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 09-15-2000).]

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