The sorrow within. - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

hawkat
New Member

since 2000-09-09

Posts 7

0 posted 2000-09-11 05:50 AM

Do I make a box for myself
whilst yearning for happiness.
I am a dancing stranger who loves
the darkness of misery.

This face you see is a disguise
that hides my deepest sorrows.
My heart is drowned in solitary
tears that can never wet my cheeks.

My hands quiver and my lips smile;
it is hard to tell if it is real
as this cruel cloud surrounds my soul,
taking away my youth and my life.

I feel I am losing a war I've fought alone,
but not a soul can keep me from my inner grave.
Poetry,films and books take me far away
as I drift into fantasy and an angry madness.

Lie down and die of great sorrow.
Will I ever laugh once again
or cry these million unshed tears?
No;God is sorry for creating a blue daughter.

Smile my dear friends,forget.
I am a ghost you are afraid to notice
as I sit with my head bowed down.
Oh,but I am not opaque for you will never see inside.

I am a room with four solid walls,
protecting the story hidden inside.
You will never read it for if you do,
a new river will flow;of tears.

The sky is grey,the ground is a black hole.
I will disappear deep down to the depths of Hell
where sorrowful life wasters must burn.
A life of torment,a death of fire;the pain goes on.

This is a poem I wrote 10 years ago at the age of 15 and though I realise it is extremely morbid and depressing,I would like a judgement on it's form,rhythm and language.Although I am now beginning to write new poetry,much of what I have was written between the ages of 14 and 20.I hope I will not be critisised for that.

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

1 posted 2000-09-11 01:04 PM

hi hawkat

First let me welcome you to CA

...I can only give my personal opinion, I'm still learning as I go, even though the poem is somewhat depressing it flows nicely. You've created very powerful images of what can be happening inside a teenager's body and mind.

I'll leave the technical and mechanical interpretations to those who know what they're talking about.

I liked it

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-09-15 12:13 PM

Are you interested in working on this one or just want an opinion. Opinion: it's a fairly typical fifteen year old poem -- common diction moving into hyperbole (this does not demean the feeling, that's for real but when you exagerrate in words, it creates the opposite effect in the reader) I liked the first line and blue daughter and think you should pursue those ideas a bit more.

Just an opinion,
Brad

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.