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Swan
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Swan |
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StrawberryShortcake New Member
since 2000-09-09
Posts 3canada |
Okay, I want your honest opinions. Does this make sense? Is it really good? do you think there is anything i should change? Tell me the truth! Swan Lost is my heart and part of my soul, My life is so shattered, my emotions are cold. The core of my life is hidden so well, Surrounded by layers of personal hell. Secrets and dreams kept in seclusion, My existence is no more than a simple illusion. To have been noticed in this world and appreciated, Would have given me a life less isolated. They think that they really understand my feelings, But none of them see the real pain Im conceiling. Too occupied with their own, to care about me, I'll wait until they fail, then I will succeed. I'd rather be liked for more that appearance, Like my talents, my courage, or being so fearless. Im hoping one day, they will open their eyes, The'll see my true beauty, my beauty inside. |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi shortcake ...first let me welcome you to CA the poem is very well written, the images are quite clear but "who are they?" why are your secrets and dreams kept in seclusion? why do they need to fail in order for you to succeed? why are you concealing your feelings? ...you can reveal everything and anything in your writtings, why not share your secrets, dreams and your inner beauty with your words. Just my opinion  "I'd rather be liked for more that appearance," ...I think the word "then" would be what your looking for in place of "that" debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hi strawberry shortcake in no way am I a critic per se...but someone to read a draft and lend some advice..yes! ok so with that said...welcome to passions and welcome to CA as well...I believe mysticharm gave some good advice...im left wondering who "them" is as I read this..i mean im not THAT naive...im pretty sure I can put 1 and 1 together..but u don't want the reader to be utterly confused...now... Swan Lost is my heart and part of my soul, My life is so shattered, my emotions are cold. The core of my life is hidden so well, Surrounded by layers of personal hell. i was thinking putting an "a" between of and personal Secrets and dreams kept in seclusion, My existence is no more than a simple illusion. To have been noticed in this world and appreciated, Would have given me a life less isolated. They think that they really understand my feelings, But none of them see the real pain Im conceiling. Too occupied with their own, to care about me, I'll wait until they fail, then I will succeed. who is "they"? Im = I'm conceiling = concealing I'd rather be liked for more that appearance, Like my talents, my courage, or being so fearless. Im hoping one day, they will open their eyes, The'll see my true beauty, my beauty inside perhaps that = than? Im = I'm, The'll = they'll ok overall on the poem.....well i personally felt the words..and they hurt..sometime i myself have gotten that way...umm as for the poem...well i think you might wanna get personal with it...i think the best way to make this poem better is to make it more personal and describe these feelings first hand that u deal with...emphasis how they make u feel...like i said, to ME the poem i could relate too..but lets say someone who never has felt this way read it..then when they read ur poem they will not feel that chilling effect that one gets when they are isolated as u have written down...so to make everybody feel what u feel..(or at least a large majority ) get to the core of this prob. and put it down on paper and make the reader forced to have emotions towards it But that's just a suggestion much respect. PS. i was thinking maybe u should change the title as well..to some extent i see how and why...but i think another title would do ur poem more justice  "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Welcome to CA! Clever title! I think what you're going for is a reverse effect of the Ugly Duckling story. The U.D. wanted to be physically beautiful but you would rather be known for internal beauty, not what's on the surface. I can see that 2 previous critiques have been on content. What I'd like to do is talk about mechanics and form. (the best I can of course, because I'm still learning too) First let's talk about rhyme. It appears you are trying to use true end rhyme but fall short of this in many places. If you are going to write a rhyming poem it is very important that you are consistent in how you apply the rhyme otherwise the piece comes across as sloppy. For instance, these are your ending words on each paired line: 1/2-soul/cold-not true rhyme (assonantal rhyme) 3/4-well/hell-this is true end rhyme 5/6-seclusion/illusion-this is true 7/8-appreciated/isolated-not true rhyme 9/10-feelings/conceiling-not true due to 's' at end of feeling and have to watch it because the syllable count is different; could be pulled off w/o the 's' and the right stressed syllables on the line before the word "feeling" 11/12-me/succeed-not true (me/cee-assonantal rhyme) 13/14-appearance/fearless-not true 15/16-eyes/inside-not true (eye/side w/b an assonantal ryhme) Now let's talk about meter. While it's true you don't have to "count" each syllable to get your meter correct, in many cases if one doesn't feel like a good judge of meter without regard to syllable count, then at least counting syllables can help develop a good meter w/in a piece. What I've read about poetry is that "most good poetry is metrical writing." I won't detail this, but I'll run through your piece and show you what I mean. (not that I'm trying to say what I've written is "good" just an example of more consistent meter) I feel my heart and soul are lost Image, shattered; I've paid the cost. My inner self I hide so well, Surrounded by my lonely hell. Dreams and secrets cry, secluded, Lifeless, live; I walk deluded. Acknowledgement, I long to meet, To make my life less obsolete. Fools' facade, bereft of feeling Blind to pain that I'm concealing. They swim within their selfish sea So self-absorbed they don't know me. I'd rather be an ugly swan To make them see my beauties dawn For maybe then, I'd see their eyes, Follow me as I soar the skies < !signature--> [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 09-10-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi StrawberryShortcake, I see you have already received a lot of advice, most of which I fully agree with. So I won't try to add anything except a great big WELCOME TO CA  Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Welcome to CA. The biggest problem I see immediately is that you've fallen into the hyperbole trap. This may be the immensity of the feeling you wish to betray but it actually has the opposite effect. Swan Lost is my heart and part of my soul, My life is so shattered, my emotions are cold. The core of my life is hidden so well, Surrounded by layers of personal hell. --Move beyond this moment or go back to this moment and show us rather than tell us what caused such powerful emotions. Secrets and dreams kept in seclusion, My existence is no more than a simple illusion. To have been noticed in this world and appreciated, Would have given me a life less isolated. --We still haven't seen or heard the cause yet. Put this in a real world scene. They think that they really understand my feelings, But none of them see the real pain Im conceiling. --This is a relatively common thing to say in poetry (this doesn't mean it's not true of course). Explore this, examine it, and try to find original images that portray it. Too occupied with their own, to care about me, --and does the speaker care about them? I'll wait until they fail, then I will succeed. --Why are the two related? Is this a winner take all game? You haven't shown us what situation you are in yet. I'd rather be liked for more that appearance, Like my talents, my courage, or being so fearless. Im hoping one day, they will open their eyes, The'll see my true beauty, my beauty inside. --What about a reversal here? Right now this is too passive for my taste but why not play with idea of opening eyes as a metaphor and think about how you can make them open their eyes. See what I'm trying to get at here? Just an opinion, Brad |
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