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Critical Analysis #1
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Wesley the Blue
Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA

0 posted 2000-09-08 11:43 PM



All right, here it is again, wondering what everybody thinks.  Suggestions and opinions welcome.


Across the watery blue expanse I gaze
At far distant shores
All shrouded in haze
Wonder what the future has in store

Storms are raging deep inside
With cataclysmic force, they destroy
Can’t be running, no where to hide
Tossed like a kid’s favorite toy

That water is bitter cold
Like the tears running down my face
These feelings sit and mold
In my darkened, secret place

Like a bird whose wings have been plucked
I try to keep aloft in the air of existence
But right to the ground I get sucked
Victim of life’s insistence

I’m left, stranded here
So very far away
Wishing she were here
And here she could stay

Forced to travel the muddy ground
I crawl my way on
Tethered but forward bound
I crawl my way on

I struggle towards my goal
Tempest contained within
The thunder pains role
My love lies Dort Hin

I know that somewhere
Across this infernal inland see
She is out there
Waiting for me

I creep through the fields of time
Each step that brings me closer
A wisecrack or cynic rhyme
Agitation inside, wilder

Patience is the key
Remember the times we’ve had
To keep my sanity
Trying not to be so sad

Hand over fist I climb
Up the cliffs of forever
Covered in dirt and grime
I will give up never

She beckons in the distance
Lends me the strength to fight
Gives me the resistance
To which I hold on tight

She pulls me in
Shelter from the rain
Warms me with her skin
Takes away the pain

I awake within her folds
The storm just a nightmare
Light all the future holds
Life’s joys without care

© Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved
Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850
In the space between moments
1 posted 2000-09-08 11:53 PM


Hey Keith! I'm not a great critiquer, but you don't really have to be in here, so here goes nothin...

First off, on a positive note, I really liked these lines- "Tethered but forward bound
              I crawl my way on" -- created a strong image in my head.

I enjoyed the different images of the tempest and of the sea as well.  One thing I would work on is some of those cliches. (darn cliches, they turn up a lot, don't they?)  Things like-

"I’m left, stranded here
So very far away
Wishing she were here
And here she could stay"

and

"She pulls me in
Shelter from the rain
Warms me with her skin
Takes away the pain"

We've all heard similar lines to these Keith. Maybe if you elaborate more on how you're stranded or where you're stranded in the first one and more intimate, unknown ways that she 'takes away the pain' on the second, then it would be more unique...just my opinions of course.  I liked what you have, it's improving my friend!  


*Krista Knutson*

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucious

JnR4eva
Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377
Bronx, NY
2 posted 2000-09-09 01:22 AM


Hey there   in no way am I a critique per se..but one to read a draft and lend some advice...yes  ..so with that said  ...

Across the watery blue expanse I gaze
At far distant shores
All shrouded in haze
Wonder what the future has in store

ok cool imagery but the third line is making me stumble as I read it..i think u need more syllables. Perhaps "wondering" is a better word to put in too? Let me know  

Storms are raging deep inside
With cataclysmic force, they destroy
Can’t be running, no where to hide
Tossed like a kid’s favorite toy

ok the third line to ME sounds kinda 'slangish'..( like I should talk after using kinda lol )..ok the last line is really weak...in all honesty try to do away with it and come up with something much more creative  

That water is bitter cold
Like the tears running down my face
These feelings sit and mold
In my darkened, secret place

Like a bird whose wings have been plucked
I try to keep aloft in the air of existence
But right to the ground I get sucked
Victim of life’s insistence

good stanza   but i think from a philosophical point of view.. to be aloft in the air implies u are in the air...but then u say u get stuck to the ground, meaning that's it, no more being in the air since u are now forever on the ground...therefore (sorry about that rant) i would suggest saying being pulled by the forces of life's insistences...or something to that effect..i know u can think of something better  

I’m left, stranded here
So very far away
Wishing she were here
And here she could stay

like alwye said, way cliched ...

Forced to travel the muddy ground
I crawl my way on
Tethered but forward bound
I crawl my way on

Maybe im being a stickler to things...but being that this is the only time u have used the same lines for the 2nd and 4th lines...as I read it and it seems out of place...u know what I mean?  Had u done it before and structured ur poem in such a way..then yes it will make sense..but that's what I think   I could be very wrong...

I struggle towards my goal
Tempest contained within
The thunder pains role
My love lies Dort Hin

Cool...I am a lil left wondering what dort hin means though?

I know that somewhere
Across this infernal inland see
She is out there
Waiting for me

very simple imagery..probably cliched too..i think u should change it...and u mean see= sea right?

I creep through the fields of time
Each step that brings me closer
A wisecrack or cynic rhyme
Agitation inside, wilder

not true rhymes ..closer and wilder...also u said u gone through the fields of time but  being that i like that image i was disappointed that u ditched that image without expanding on it like..."as i see the days of happiness"( please don't say that b/c that's WAY cliched too LOL...but u know what i mean right? )

Patience is the key
Remember the times we’ve had
To keep my sanity
Trying not to be so sad

sorry i think this is cliched too

Hand over fist I climb
Up the cliffs of forever
Covered in dirt and grime
I will give up never

last line is weak....i think u could do better  

She beckons in the distance
Lends me the strength to fight
Gives me the resistance
To which I hold on tight

i really don't think resistance is the best word..im rather confused by it...perhaps persistence

She pulls me in
Shelter from the rain
Warms me with her skin
Takes away the pain

cliched again

I awake within her folds
The storm just a nightmare
Light all the future holds
Life’s joys without care


ok overall u have some grammar tidbits to refine...but on the bigger scale i think u have seen enough cliched remarks...personally there really wasn't much for the reader to imagine...also i think u have an inconsistency with ur stanzas regarding structure...though u have done abab form for each one....the syllable count for each stanza is random..thus in turn confusing the reader....personally the length as well might have 'bored' a reader b/c u are jumping from thought to thought...i was thinking maybe u should try to do this in ballad form and tell a story....and the reader will know ahead of time..instead of being taken for a ride from thought to thought...i personally was thinking that u should perhaps cut out the "how u are trying to get to her" situation and probably just write about the tumult in ur heart and then how she comforts u. or rather describe the raging storm in u and how u felt refuge not in her, but a beach of warm sands so that the reader can assume the beach = ur love...it gives us more to imagine u know...but i don't know b/c i do not know what ur intentions are so maybe cutting it isn't the best idea...the poem indeed is very sweet..but u in all honesty if u wish to write a poem about this topic..u have to do it using fresh images..if not..then u might have to center it on a new theme showing how u had to get to her..such poems have been done 600 times that u need to introduce the reader to new methods....

but then again i could be wrong  
hope i was insightful....
much respect


"my love is my motivation
my love is my inspiration
perception of this poem
is your interpretation"
-- rlt



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-09-14 11:09 PM


First,

C'mon guys -- stop trying to be so humble. Poetry and modesty don't mix. Let the author judge whether your critique is useful or not.

With that said, I don't really like the use of rhyme here and I think the piece needs a stronger rhythm and a more complex diction. It has it's moments definitely but I don't think the tone and theme match. A good model might be Hart Crane "The Bridge",

Just an opinion,
Brad

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