»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Storm, revised(again)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Storm, revised(again) |
|
|
Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
All right, here it is again, wondering what everybody thinks. Suggestions and opinions welcome. Across the watery blue expanse I gaze At far distant shores All shrouded in haze Wonder what the future has in store Storms are raging deep inside With cataclysmic force, they destroy Can’t be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kid’s favorite toy That water is bitter cold Like the tears running down my face These feelings sit and mold In my darkened, secret place Like a bird whose wings have been plucked I try to keep aloft in the air of existence But right to the ground I get sucked Victim of life’s insistence I’m left, stranded here So very far away Wishing she were here And here she could stay Forced to travel the muddy ground I crawl my way on Tethered but forward bound I crawl my way on I struggle towards my goal Tempest contained within The thunder pains role My love lies Dort Hin I know that somewhere Across this infernal inland see She is out there Waiting for me I creep through the fields of time Each step that brings me closer A wisecrack or cynic rhyme Agitation inside, wilder Patience is the key Remember the times we’ve had To keep my sanity Trying not to be so sad Hand over fist I climb Up the cliffs of forever Covered in dirt and grime I will give up never She beckons in the distance Lends me the strength to fight Gives me the resistance To which I hold on tight She pulls me in Shelter from the rain Warms me with her skin Takes away the pain I awake within her folds The storm just a nightmare Light all the future holds Life’s joys without care |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Hey Keith! I'm not a great critiquer, but you don't really have to be in here, so here goes nothin...  First off, on a positive note, I really liked these lines- "Tethered but forward bound I crawl my way on" -- created a strong image in my head. I enjoyed the different images of the tempest and of the sea as well. One thing I would work on is some of those cliches. (darn cliches, they turn up a lot, don't they?) Things like- "I’m left, stranded here So very far away Wishing she were here And here she could stay" and "She pulls me in Shelter from the rain Warms me with her skin Takes away the pain" We've all heard similar lines to these Keith. Maybe if you elaborate more on how you're stranded or where you're stranded in the first one and more intimate, unknown ways that she 'takes away the pain' on the second, then it would be more unique...just my opinions of course. I liked what you have, it's improving my friend! *Krista Knutson* "Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucious |
||
|
JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hey there in no way am I a critique per se..but one to read a draft and lend some advice...yes ..so with that said ...Across the watery blue expanse I gaze At far distant shores All shrouded in haze Wonder what the future has in store ok cool imagery but the third line is making me stumble as I read it..i think u need more syllables. Perhaps "wondering" is a better word to put in too? Let me know Storms are raging deep inside With cataclysmic force, they destroy Can’t be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kid’s favorite toy ok the third line to ME sounds kinda 'slangish'..( like I should talk after using kinda lol )..ok the last line is really weak...in all honesty try to do away with it and come up with something much more creative That water is bitter cold Like the tears running down my face These feelings sit and mold In my darkened, secret place Like a bird whose wings have been plucked I try to keep aloft in the air of existence But right to the ground I get sucked Victim of life’s insistence good stanza but i think from a philosophical point of view.. to be aloft in the air implies u are in the air...but then u say u get stuck to the ground, meaning that's it, no more being in the air since u are now forever on the ground...therefore (sorry about that rant) i would suggest saying being pulled by the forces of life's insistences...or something to that effect..i know u can think of something better I’m left, stranded here So very far away Wishing she were here And here she could stay like alwye said, way cliched ... Forced to travel the muddy ground I crawl my way on Tethered but forward bound I crawl my way on Maybe im being a stickler to things...but being that this is the only time u have used the same lines for the 2nd and 4th lines...as I read it and it seems out of place...u know what I mean? Had u done it before and structured ur poem in such a way..then yes it will make sense..but that's what I think I could be very wrong...I struggle towards my goal Tempest contained within The thunder pains role My love lies Dort Hin Cool...I am a lil left wondering what dort hin means though? I know that somewhere Across this infernal inland see She is out there Waiting for me very simple imagery..probably cliched too..i think u should change it...and u mean see= sea right? I creep through the fields of time Each step that brings me closer A wisecrack or cynic rhyme Agitation inside, wilder not true rhymes ..closer and wilder...also u said u gone through the fields of time but being that i like that image i was disappointed that u ditched that image without expanding on it like..."as i see the days of happiness"( please don't say that b/c that's WAY cliched too LOL...but u know what i mean right? ) Patience is the key Remember the times we’ve had To keep my sanity Trying not to be so sad sorry i think this is cliched too Hand over fist I climb Up the cliffs of forever Covered in dirt and grime I will give up never last line is weak....i think u could do better She beckons in the distance Lends me the strength to fight Gives me the resistance To which I hold on tight i really don't think resistance is the best word..im rather confused by it...perhaps persistence She pulls me in Shelter from the rain Warms me with her skin Takes away the pain cliched again I awake within her folds The storm just a nightmare Light all the future holds Life’s joys without care ok overall u have some grammar tidbits to refine...but on the bigger scale i think u have seen enough cliched remarks...personally there really wasn't much for the reader to imagine...also i think u have an inconsistency with ur stanzas regarding structure...though u have done abab form for each one....the syllable count for each stanza is random..thus in turn confusing the reader....personally the length as well might have 'bored' a reader b/c u are jumping from thought to thought...i was thinking maybe u should try to do this in ballad form and tell a story....and the reader will know ahead of time..instead of being taken for a ride from thought to thought...i personally was thinking that u should perhaps cut out the "how u are trying to get to her" situation and probably just write about the tumult in ur heart and then how she comforts u. or rather describe the raging storm in u and how u felt refuge not in her, but a beach of warm sands so that the reader can assume the beach = ur love...it gives us more to imagine u know...but i don't know b/c i do not know what ur intentions are so maybe cutting it isn't the best idea...the poem indeed is very sweet..but u in all honesty if u wish to write a poem about this topic..u have to do it using fresh images..if not..then u might have to center it on a new theme showing how u had to get to her..such poems have been done 600 times that u need to introduce the reader to new methods.... but then again i could be wrong hope i was insightful.... much respect "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
First, C'mon guys -- stop trying to be so humble. Poetry and modesty don't mix. Let the author judge whether your critique is useful or not. With that said, I don't really like the use of rhyme here and I think the piece needs a stronger rhythm and a more complex diction. It has it's moments definitely but I don't think the tone and theme match. A good model might be Hart Crane "The Bridge", Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
