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The soapstone
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The soapstone |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
The Soapstone The space is slung low, barely enough room to stoop beneathe, weathered poles that underpin, and hold the rough built home aloft. Underneath we dig our basement. Shoveling rock and hardpan clay. Arms streaked sweat and terra-cotta, seepage mud between our toes. At night I dream of empty cellars, black and blighted potato fields. Watered down soup and starving families, hungry children scratching the dirt. And I wake to see my father brushing, something away from an unearthed stone. Sun-starved weeds under our basement, straggling over the tops of his feet. He puts the soapstone in my pocket, explaining the properties contained within. Across the hill, an uprooted oak tree, rain drops prickling dead brown leaves. And sometime years, he finds the soapstone, neatly labled and displayed. In my room, in the basement, by a blue jay feather. And a turtle shell bleached white by the sun. And he holds it up like something fragile, like a tadpole cupped in his hands. And his eyes are far flung, like crows out the window. Swishing their wings towards the sun. And there's something of wonder and joy in his eyes. Something soulful and sad. Something of memories of coal miners buried, children scratching the dirt. forrest 2000 [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
I liked it. Only 2 things. The first is that it seems like the meter could be tightened up a bit in a few places. (I like the flow of the 2nd stanza the best) The second, I think you mean "there's" as in "there is" as opposed to "their's", plural possessive pronoun. Janie |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hi there Forrest Cain...by no means would I consider myself a critique per se....but someone who lends some advice after reading a draft...yes  I think this poem was nicely done...you have so many images going for you ... but I am at a loss....It's just ME ....I'm lost and I do not speak for everybody else..and I hope u are able to help me though.....(remember this is what I think and I may be totally wrong about this whole poem)... ok from what I can read...or what the mind has allowed me to decipher...is that we have a house where a father and son go to the cellar and dig up the earth and they are I guess that they are looking for something?...this soapstone perhaps? or they're just trying to clear out this basement?...... ok so then the father does find this soapstone...or perhaps he just finds it unintentionally..but he finds it in the front of the house..or rather the porch...but this is kind of making me question then why have the whole description of the cellar if he found it on his porch? it seems unnecessary to have the description of the cellar b/c this is where they primarily looked for it but then he finds it in front of the house which makes it seem like he found it by a fluke. (hmm or perhaps u intended this? i reconsider now) so then you say..."He puts the soapstone in my pocket, explaining the properties" now i was thinking that a soapstone in general is just this stone that is made of a soft material like talc ... so what is it that makes it so special? i was wondering that perhaps u can expand on that a little b/c i am thinking plain soap stone.... but actually when i finished the poem, i said oh perhaps its the memory of having that father-son experience that makes the soap stone special (that made sense)...but then that makes me call into question how special the moment can be if it were the father who found it on his own while his child was asleep? so it kind of ruins the father-son moment if only one is there to participate. in short if it is special, I didn't see how so...or rather it wasn't mentioned. ok that was what the "I don't understand this" portion of this critique...sorry if this is long but I like the poem and I would to understand it fully and also help at the same time ....He puts the soapstone in my pocket, explaining the properties contained within. {{Below our house, an uprooted oak tree, rain drops prickling dead brown leaves.}} this was going well until i hit this stanza b/c i was wondering why did u go from in front of ur porch, to the cellar? i feel that this last part of this stanza is not necessary...and loses the reader somewhat...and i was wondering if its under the house, how is the rain getting in to wet the brown leaves?...like what im imagining is that u intended for the reader to see brown leaves being hit by rain..but how much rain can hit it if it's under the house? but i still feel that going from the porch to cellar is confusing in itself. ok i think im done, like i said i am no critique per se. i enjoyed this poem a lot despite being a lil confused, i think u did a nice job of detailing the events and the images...they are original, i saw nothing cliched ....and i think this poem has a lot of potential...perhaps im reading the poem too literally and not symbolically? maybe that's my prob.? let me know much respect "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Jn this is alittle abstact and your right on some accounts. In a nutshell living in a hilly region (W.V.)there is a shortage of space, so we were truly digging out the basement. My father is of Irish descent and his family came to Ellis Island during the great immigration from the potato famine in the mid 1800's. The soapstone is a common stone with nothing really special except as you said my father gave it to me. While digging the basement I learned much of his history. The dangers of working in coalmines and the family members that died during cave-in's. And his stark poverty as an orphan. I agree that the 5th verse is a little confusing and will substitute "below the hill" and in the 4th try "basement" instead of porch steps though they were so close together it was almost the same. I guess to make it a little clearer this was about the look in my fathers eye, when he seen that I treasured what he had given me. It was one of sudden insight into how much I valued him and at the same time sad that we had spent so little time together and that he had missed much of the magic of both chidhoods his and mine. At least this is how it seemed to my 9 year old eyes. Thanks for the feedback. forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi forrest ...I enjoy your poems so much cuz your topics and themes amaze me every time ...I would have to rank this as one of your best, right next to etoile noir your friend always debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
The soap stone. I remember the soap stone and your treasures. Not that they were worth much only that the emotion they represented made them valuable. I love the poem. I hated the basement. Fellow dirt digger and mud slinger. James |
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Novacaine For The Soul Member
since 2000-05-26
Posts 122New Orleans |
forrest cain, i must admit that i enjoyed this poem immensely even if it didn't all fit together until i read your explaination... i particularly liked where you recount your father's reaction to finding the stone once again and the final stanza also struck a chord with me... very good work... sincerely, a sad tomato So let us melt, and make no noise, No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi forrest! sorry this took me so long...just when i thought i had my computer woes all banged out.... oh well. onward. i am a big fan of the first 2 stanzas. i dont really understand what the 3rd stanza has to do with the rest of the piece though. 4th is good again, the 5th too, actually.now, i would cut the part about the feather and the shell, it just seems a little extraneous to what you're trying to do. actually, i thought i had more to add, but that's it. ok, bye now luv Elyse |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse thanks for the feedback. I knew this one needed work when I posted it, but I needed some objective feedback. Always good to hear from you and hope your work load at school doesn't deprive us of your poetry. forrest E.J. and Novacaine thanks for your comments. forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 09-07-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I liked this as well but was hoping for a little more build up than what was given. It's a nice ending that ever so slightly doesn't seem to satisfy as it might. Also, I'm trying an experiment. I'm not rewriting your poem, just editing certain lines: I. The space is slung low, weathered poles that underpin, and hold the rough built home aloft. Shoveling rock and hardpan clay and terra-cotta between our toes. Of empty cellars, black and blighted potato fields. Watered down soup and starving families. My father brushing, something away. He puts the soapstone in my pocket. II. Neatly labled and displayed. In my room, in the basement, by a blue jay feather. And a turtle shell bleached white by the sun. He holds it up like something fragile, like a tadpole cupped in his hands. Something of memories of coal miners buried, children scratching the dirt. Just an experiment but what do you think? Brad |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Thanks for the time you spent reviewing this. I liked the revision. It took up some of the slack and made it more poetic. Thanks forrest |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It's an interesting way to edit, I think. I like the edited version as well. It does sacrifice some of your original clarity but I think the images comes through much more clearly. I guess it's a trade off. Don't know if this'll work all the time but I'm glad you liked the results this time. Brad |
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