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YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2000-09-07 07:48 PM

This is something I wrote for a poetry challenge on another site. Tell me what y'all think.

You're on my hair,
and on my taste buds,
like garlic bread;
braced between my teeth
like pieces of cheap barbecued pork.

There's enough of you
on my hair-brush to give
any private eye a rush.
You're everywhere I turn.

Everyday I'm in my car
picking your hair outta my hair,
while balancing my cocoa brew
and brushing off ugly stares!

There's enough of your hair
in this apartment to choke my vacuum,
which it did; its petulant whine
reminds me of your kind.

For Gods sakes man!
Isn't it enough that I'm still
trying to get you off my mind?
I still have to pull you outta my hair!

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

1 posted 2000-09-07 11:47 PM

Hello YeshuJah,

"You're on my hair,
and on my taste buds,
like garlic bread;
braced between my teeth
like pieces of cheap barbecued pork."

Good opening stanza. One suggestion I have is change "pieces" to something that says a little more in terms of imagery, ie. slivers, splinters, shanks, shards, etc.

"There's enough of you
on my hair-brush to give
any private eye a rush.
You're everywhere I turn."

Another good stanza....but consider perhaps changing the line breaks, I couldn't help but read it like this,

"There's enough of you
on my hair-brush
to give any private eye
a rush.
You're everywhere I turn."

...errr or maybe not....maybe just ignore what I said but I'll leave this up in case it gives you any new ideas.

"Everyday I'm in my car
picking your hair outta my hair,
while balancing my cocoa brew
and brushing off ugly stares!"

Solid stanza again. Consider losing the exclamation mark at the end also perhaps consider changing "my hair" to just "mine".

"There's enough of your hair
in this apartment to choke my vacuum,
which it did; its petulant whine
reminds me of your kind."

Really liked this stanza. Very solid IMO.

"For Gods sakes man!
Isn't it enough that I'm still
trying to get you off my mind?
I still have to pull you outta my hair!"

Good solid ending. However, consider chopping out "man!" in the first line.

All in all I really liked this poem, it had a fresh look at the residue of a failed relationship. Thanks for the interesting read, take care,

Trevor

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2000-09-08 12:53 PM

YeshuJah:

I must say that your title brought some slightly different pictures to mind but ... um ... I won't elaborate further.

I think you need to take a second look at some of your punctuation and sentence structure.  For example, your first stanza, without the line breaks, looks like this:

"You're on my hair, and on my taste buds, like garlic bread; braced between my teeth
like pieces of cheap barbecued pork."

The first lines tell me that she is on your hair and on your taste buds like garlic bread.  Never had garlic bread on my hair ... see what I mean?  The rest of the sentence structure is confusing and I am not sure if I like your semicolon use.

Overall, I liked where I thought you were going with this poem.  Curious about one thing ... it is almost possible to understand the hair as being cat or dog hair (with the possible exception of the hair-brush line).  If this was your intent, I commend you on the little surprise it gave me.

Later.

Jim

Tim Gouldthorp
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 170

3 posted 2000-09-09 01:50 AM

YeshuJah,
I pretty much agree with everything Trevor and Jim suggest. Intersting title, I take it this is a varient on the expression 'your on my mind?' One tiny thing, I'm not sure of the relevance of the pork being 'cheap.' Perhaps cheap pork is more stringy?
-Tim

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

4 posted 2000-09-09 03:37 AM

hi yeshujah! i thought this one was really cute

i too, thought the punctuation in the first stanza was maybe a little iffy, and i didnt like the "man" exclamation. cant explain why. shrug. oh well, it was really cute, and i enjoyed it

luv Elyse

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2000-09-14 11:12 PM

I really liked this. The first stanza was absolutely brilliant (and I liked the title as well). I might clean it up a bit, shorten it as I'm not sure the theme can be taken as long as you went but really thought this was very good.

thanks,
Brad

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