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Enjambment
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Enjambment |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
ENJAMBMENT Written by Janie Mathis Sweat runs; rolls down my neck; divides my breasts. Tension travels up my leg; creates temptation. Impatience unleashes desire as I wait for it. At last my turn has come as the light turns green. Now as I go, the wind cools my sticky skin. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Janie, Well, you had me going a bit at the first  But then you really let me down at the end  Oh well, it was an excellent turn to a surprise ending. I thoroughly enjoyed. I really don't think I would change anything.Thanks, Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Janie: Very punny stuff (enjambment/traffic jam). I think you use enjambment pretty well with this poem. I liked your isolation of the word "it" ... must admit you took me on a trip down a side street with the first half of the poem. I wasn't as impressed with the construction of the last half of the poem. I liked the idea of the surprise ending that marks your poem as better than average but I think you ought to consider more careful wording of the revelatory section ... perhaps you could drag the mystery a bit longer. Perhaps something like: At last, the green light and as I surge forward and gather speed the wind rushing in the open window cools my sticky skin. Just an idea. Liked the poem (heck, it has cars and "cars" ... what is there not to like?).  Thanks for the read.Jim |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Never thought of it in this way. A fresh look at the mundane. Jim seems to be thinking along the lines I did about the second half. Your verve weakens there. Shore it up and this could race a pulse ot two. |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Thanks Pete, Jim and Yeshujah for reading and remarking. I can probably draw it out a bit more at the end, I just didn't want to beat a dead horse too much once I revealed the traffic light. I can definitely afford some more time on this one since I wrote it in the 30 minutes I exercised on the eliptical trainer at the YMCA last night. That's where I got the "sweat" idea from. Thanks again! Janie |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Janie this was very clever and entertaining. I enjoyed the title as well as the poem. Good write. forrest |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
The capture of the moment is excellent... enjoyed this... regards, sudhir |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi janie ...very creative, and Lord knows it can be a sweat box in a car waiting for that light to change I have only one problem "Sweat runs; rolls down my neck; divides my breasts." ...I've never had sweat divide my breasts, unless your referring to an imaginery line but the word 'divides' still doesn't work for me thanks for the read  debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Forest, Sudhir and Mystic Charm, Thanks for your responses. Mystic charm, Thanks for your honesty. Maybe it's for geographical differences that the image sweat dividing "breasts" doesn't work for you. I can attest, as I live in Texas and my air conditioner in my car was broken 2 yrs ago from July to July of the following year in which the temperature in the summer was high 90's low 100's, that if you perspire enough, there will certainly be a trail of sweat running down your chest (you back and everywhere else for that matter). I literally would take ice blue packs with me in the car to give me some relief during my 1 hr, each way journey to and from work... Does it make more sense after seeing where I'm coming from? Janie |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Janie, Clever...very clever this is, and also nicely written. I think "divides" works fine here...like a river divides the land. A river of sweat isn't the most palatable picture, though, I suppose. I got a smile from this one, and believe me, I needed one. Thank you, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi janie! you really had me going in the first section but i too must admit that i was a little let down by the second half. i think maybe its a little dissapointing, not because of the twist or what the twist was, but that the green light thing is given so early in that section. see, its kinda like the twist should take me by surprise only in the last two lines or something. oh well, just a thought luv Elyse |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
LO LOL LOL I can definitly see how an icepack can cause a division, I'm laughing so hard it's hard to type, yes I can see where your coming from debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again Janie, Unlike some of our northern buddies, I fully understood the part about dividing the breasts. It gets pretty darn hot here in OK too And, of course as Jim pointed out in his 'cars and "cars"' reference, it quickly captured our attention (his and mine anyway). Judging by your 1 hour commute, I would guess if you live with 5 miles of work then it must be Dallas, otherwise Houston Well, as I said before, I like it like it is. Pete |
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