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Critical Analysis #1
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Picture frame
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Picture frame |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Just a poem, not very good one either, but thats why it is here, to get help. If you have any suggestions on how to improve whats there or what to add, Id be gratefull. All the emptiness and void All the sorrow and despair Contained in that picture frame In that four by four metal square I know that she’ll return some day And life will be merry once again That black hole picture frame Won’t be hurting me no more Life will be that backdrop garden With her the crowning glory The prettiest blooming flower A blossom befitting of a story The clouds will lift from the blue The sky will rain its tears no more The sparkling starlight eyes Will be mine to adore Joined we will be In that special place If only for a while A sliver of time and space Clouds loom on the horizon And I know we have to go Each our separate way Wishing it was not so With a final embrace We turn in pain The blue has turned to cloud And the sky begins to rain That frame upon my desk Brings its sorrows down again My emptiness and my void Behind that small glass pane |
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| © Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Hi Der Keit, just read the poem and can say this has all been done before, I could just about pull out every line and say it lacks originality. So it's difficult to say what you could do but I advise you to look at one of Brad's poems listed here titled I think 'framed'. Though not his best poem it shows how such a topic can be written in a rather original style. Your poem just gives me the simple image of some loser sitting in front of a picture, we've all done that- so what! Take care & good luck |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
thanks for the "advice" J/A. I always enjoy being called a looser. There is more too it than just what the lines say word for word, so maybe if you actualy read it, you could give me some USEFULL criticizm |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Der Keit, I didn't imply you were a loser, ok! If you interpreted it that way, sorry. |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Your appology is accepted, and I appologize for snaping at you. In the future it would be a good idea to watch what words you throw, intentionally or not, at an emotionaly topiced poem, such as this one. The person might take some of them personaly. If you could possibly offer some advice as to how to make it more orriginal I would appreciate it, I looked and couldnt find Brads poem. |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Der Keit, I'll do my best to offer my insight. Before I begin, let me affirm what a low place the images here remind me of. I think we've all been there looking at that picture frame. First-I think you missed your intent of true rhyme in the second stanza where: again/more don't rhyme at all but all the other stanzas have true rhyme. This can be easily remedied. We've all done that before. Other than that, there's nothing really wrong with the way it's written except what was already said by Seoulman, that it lacks originality. Here's an idea that might work for you: in the last line you use the metaphor of a "small glass pane" to symbolize the picture frame. I think you could develop something from this where you begin the poem as if you're looking out a window and thinking about the images in your mind of this person and what you feel for them. Then you could turn the end into a surprise by enlightening the reader to show that the window was actually just a picture frame. I think that would be pretty creative and give you some originality. Hope this helps Janie |
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