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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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no more.... |
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chinaman Junior Member
since 2000-08-26
Posts 17 |
I have figured out after this long what you are exactly trying to do to me No more games baby we are just friends and thats what it'll always be You wanted to hold me as a toy and play with it whenever you wanted I'm not a pawn in your game find some other puppet to play your game of love So I say my first and final goodbye to you may you realize in your dirty head I loved you from the beginning I still do but not with same desire Just I don't care with whom or where you go |
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| © Copyright 2000 chinaman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hey there chinaman, in no way am I a critic per se...but someone to read a draft and lend some advice..yes  ..so with that said....Hi there welcome to passions....and welcome to Critical Analysis  .i hope u do not find my critique harsh...but....u will hear this from the better critics, if they get to this poem: this poem is cliched...such poems have been written 100 times over and if your imagery and descriptiveness isn't original...then the poem will not captivate a reader...why? b/c its simply been done and said so many times that u have to find new ways of introducing such a topic..or use some outstanding imagery which forces the reader to think...like this piece u have here...you are telling the reader everything....ur saying i'm not a toy anymore...i'm not this or that anymore...what u might wanna do is SHOW the reader how u are no longer an object...this would most likely imply then that u would have to find a new theme to center this around...that's another option for you...to center this around a particular situation where ur being taken advantage of, and in the end u make a stand!!...(even though to some extent that too is cliched lol) but do u see my point? in order to get the reader's attention and fascination...introduce fresh ideas, concepts and images....now this is going to be extremely tough b/c this theme u have chosen is very cliched...so the way to make it maximally great...is to either put in images that are so ground breaking that everyone will be in awe...or center it around another theme and SHOW the reader with the addition of having some nice imagery as well (b/c then if u don't do so, then u will have lines within ur poem that are cliched...but its better than having the whole thing cliched lol ) example....you said... You wanted to hold me as a toy and play with it whenever you wanted I think it would be great if u made your poem as if u were some toy (using symbolism) and then show how she/he is using you..or rather something else (like a baby)..not necessarily a boyfriend or girlfriend..then the reader would be able to say oh yea that sounds like my last relationship!!!) lol now personally, if u posted this in open forum i most likely would have replied and said i liked the way you made it short and simple and i can agree with what you wrote (but i wouldn't hold such a poem dear to me b/c it wasn't really intriguing to read)..but if ur here in CA to improve on your writing..then take some advice from some of the better critics 'cause they will definitely help you Now if u would like I would help too with some grammar tidbits.... I have figured out after this long what you are exactly trying to do to me tense disagreement....u knew what she/he is doing to u? u knew what they were doing to u....so change are = were goodbye = good-bye i believe I still do but not with (the) same desire Just I don't care with whom or where you go - reads funny...sort of slangish try ----> it's just that I don't care with whom or where you go Hope I was helpful much respect "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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chinaman Junior Member
since 2000-08-26
Posts 17 |
hi jnr.. thanks..i admit its a ridiculous poem..sorry ..but that sly ***** made me loose my temper.. |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hey no problem chinaman, if you wish to have this poem just for urself so that u can remember this time in your life, then keep it as is but if you wanna grab reader's attention, then use another method...take care ."my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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