»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Visit
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Visit |
|
|
Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida 
|
**I've been saying that I've wanted to post in this forum for several months now. Time to crawl out of my scaredy-hole and just do it! "I have a pain.." Two fingers lift in gnarled extention wrestling 'gainst past strength belied by their own slow stutter to tap-tap-tap 'pon heart "..here." "Must you make my heart swell so?" Simplicity, joy found in origin 'tween young and old for the scented velvet feel of a favorite flower Twirling, the carnation tilted thus and yon over fingered tips of youth in a dance of violet Agile scissors gleam snip echoes stability (green, like the leaves) falls to the floor, crashes for all that can be heard through lonely stranger-filled sterile hallways "Here.." Hands white age unscathed peaceful reach forward, outstretched with prize to pin upon imaginary lapel in defiance mocking the drab of hospital garb "..let me." Eyes yellowed wet and red-rimmed smile twinkling through years of memories fond, then close parchment thin lids with a sigh "I need to sleep, child." A kiss placed just so on forehead here and a turn to leave exit and wake from the nightmare of now Each step, hollow brings a thought a wish for the past his release from pain and a wonder if carnations will forever make her cry |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Nicole Williams - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hey ..wots goin' on? an invasion from Open .....lol  anyway Hi and Welcome to CA Satiate .. may your appetite be satisfied right here ... unfortunately can't stay right now not even for a quick read, she who must be obeyed calleth, so...... ......later philip |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
it's tomorrow ..lol .... I read this over last night but I’m about to be away for a few days. Haven’t got time for an in depth look I’m afraid. After a few reads I picked up the scene of a son visiting his elderly and ill mother in hospital. It took several reads for me to picture the whole scene, which is probably a good thing. Some interesting images, and the piece made me want to keep reading, but i have to admit i was slightly disappointed with the closure, it seemed to sort of fizzled out, although if I’m right about the story then the idea of his wish for a release from pain has some interesting - does he care whether this is via her demise or her recovery? You’ve left quite a lot uncertain in this poem ... the carnations for instance - we know they have significance but don’t really know why (perhaps we could guess at a past wedding?) ... i can’t make up my mind whether i like the unanswered questions or not! Also not a great fan of one word lines in such profusion and some of the enjambment seemed a little pointless .. Generally though this poem held my interest. When I’m not in such a hurry I’ll try to come back to it. Thanks for positing this here Satiate (is it Nic or Nicole?)... P |
||
|
Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Philip: Thank you for the welcome.  "After a few reads I picked up the scene of a son visiting his elderly and ill mother in a hospital." -Actually, it is a rather youngish adult female visiting an ill and dying, elderly man in the hospital. There is no family relation between the two, but there is a pretty solid friendship. Although that changes the meaning of the closure, I have to agree that it still fizzles out a bit. That's one big problem with my writing, in general...and something that I'd really love to work on fixing. The carnations are significant because they (or rather, the love of them) are a shared passion between the two. Even though there is a friendship bond present, they have little in common. (large age difference) The flower represents a security, something beautiful to hold on to (mentally & physically) during such a dark time. The one word lines...I tend to over-use. In this though, I was using them to elicit a pause. In some cases to bring attention to a word itself, and in others, to just slow the reading down for a moment.Thank you again for the welcome, and also for your comments. Oh, and it's Nicole...but a few people took to calling me Nic. I'll answer to either. Nicole |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Nicole, Its good to see you here in CA. Originally I read your poem, then Philip's comments. I didn't really have anything to say because 1) I really don't know anything about free verse and 2) my impressions were almost exactly like his although not nearly as thorough. Then I just now read your response or explanation. I think that may be the real problem. Your metaphors or images may be to obscure. I don't think you presented this poem as a puzzle but both of us got a pretty false, although in the ballpark, impression. I don't see any way we could have guessed the purpose of the things you describe. For me, anyway, it would be better if there were some hints as to the significance. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ok back again "-Actually, it is a rather youngish adult female visiting an ill and dying, elderly man in the hospital. There is no family relation between the two, but there is a pretty solid friendship." hummm ... interesting - i tried to analyse why i latched onto mother and son and i guess that the family relationship bit comes for the use of such phrases as: "twinkling through years of memories" "Must you make my heart swell so" "I need to sleep, child" the memories for the longevity of the relationship and the latter quote for an element of love .. also just the general atmosphere of the poem ..i dunno...lol! as for the sex of the speaker i admit i read a good deal into the final stanza: "Each step, hollow brings a thought a wish for the past his release from pain" the diction gave, to me anyway, the strong impression that it was the speaker doing the stepping (which it was)and therefore the speaker wanting release from pain. oh welllll...... on the carnation it did actually occur to me while i was away that you might have been using the flower as some kind of symbol. The obvious one was "love". This didn't really square very well with the idea of the flower being trimmed perhaps, but fitted much better with the suggestion that the speaker was taking her/his love and pinning it on the heart of the subject - perhaps for the last time. I should have picked up that possibility first time round  ....later P [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 09-03-2000).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
