»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Dragon Dirge
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Dragon Dirge |
|
|
Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
|
Alright, here is my first post in CA... I'm not much of a poet, as I'm more of a prose writer, but any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated! Is anyone here intrested in critiquing prose? Thank you in advance! Clad in emerald scales Glistening plate mail Mind hidden behind veils He treads worn trails His heart consumed by fires Inspired by long gone sires This soul easily tires Dragon will not learn the lyre Only one soul has kept away pain Freeing his heart and making sane Over years a mortal soul wanes And now dragon lives on in vain Last of his race, He must keep face Despite pain and disgrace A soul of fragile lace His fire now low, burns Despite the lesson he learns His being slowly turns A storm slowly churns Golden angel descends “It’s nothing” he pretends Their subtle light blends Mortal soul portends Dragon’s husk decays It’s the end of his days Mourn not for dragon ways He flies on golden rays |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Dusk Treader, (quick version of a critique) You're using a comic form but the poem doesn't seem to be all that funny. High fantasy is a tough call in this day and age but it might work if you added a few jokes. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Abe, The poem is sound, it has potential..I liked the was you used rhyme in every line..that had to be hard! Anyway, I agree with Brad. Add a few jokes, and the poem may work!  ~*~SCG~*~ "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Abe: I think the shorter lines, causing a "pile-up" of rhyming words, is interfering with the development of your theme. I would suggest that you consider increasing the line length and allowing your theme more time to develop (not much different than prose writing, in this respect). At times the tight rhyme scheme seemed forced. You may want to go for more of a ballad effect (rhymne scheme abxb). Just an opinion, Abe. Hope to see this fleshed out soon. Jim |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
