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Critical Analysis #1
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN

0 posted 2000-08-31 11:50 PM


Alright, here is my first post in CA... I'm not much of a poet, as I'm more of a prose writer, but any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated! Is anyone here intrested in critiquing prose? Thank you in advance!

Clad in emerald scales
Glistening plate mail
Mind hidden behind veils
He treads worn trails

His heart consumed by fires
Inspired by long gone sires
This soul easily tires
Dragon will not learn the lyre

Only one soul has kept away pain
Freeing his heart and making sane
Over years a mortal soul wanes
And now dragon lives on in vain

Last of his race,
He must keep face
Despite pain and disgrace
A soul of fragile lace

His fire now low, burns
Despite the lesson he learns
His being slowly turns
A storm slowly churns

Golden angel descends
“It’s nothing” he pretends
Their subtle light blends
Mortal soul portends

Dragon’s husk decays
It’s the end of his days
Mourn not for dragon ways
He flies on golden rays

© Copyright 2000 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2000-09-01 05:48 AM


Dusk Treader,
(quick version of a critique)
You're using a comic form but the poem doesn't seem to be all that funny. High fantasy is a tough call in this day and age but it might work if you added a few jokes.

Just an opinion,
Brad

sweetcollege_girl
Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872
just about where I want to be
2 posted 2000-09-12 09:26 PM


Abe,

The poem is sound, it has potential..I liked the was you used rhyme in every line..that had to be hard! Anyway, I agree with Brad. Add a few jokes, and the poem may work!  


~*~SCG~*~

"Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-09-14 12:41 PM


Abe:

I think the shorter lines, causing a "pile-up" of rhyming words, is interfering with the development of your theme.  I would suggest that you consider increasing the line length and allowing your theme more time to develop (not much different than prose writing, in this respect).  At times the tight rhyme scheme seemed forced.  You may want to go for more of a ballad effect (rhymne scheme abxb).  

Just an opinion, Abe.  Hope to see this fleshed out soon.  

Jim


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