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Helping Hands
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Helping Hands |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
This is one of my better poems, at least in my opinion. Lets see what everybody else thinks of it. Life can be a lonely place to live No one there to help you through it all Joy fades until you have not to give Heaped on the ground no will to stand tall A strong hand is there to lift you up A friends comforting smile gives you cheer There, always to lift your spirits up There can be no friend to you more dear A pat on the back gives you reprieve From pain, sorrow, and darkness so deep A kindly soul that makes you believe In hope as sorrows from you soul seep Life can be a lonely place to live Without a friend their hand to give |
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| © Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Der Keit, (quick version of a critique) Far too general. Write a specific scene about people we want to care about.I think you need a stronger meter as well; it didn't read well to me. Glad to see people trying sonnets though.  Just an opinion, Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Der Keit, First, welcome to CA. I'm also glad to see someone finally writing sonnets a noble form, indeed, my friend. I may try one myself sometime  Now, this is CA so I will try to express my impressions. Remember, this is just an opinion and not a very well educated one at that. So, take it for what it's worth to you Brad already suggested making it more specific. I think more personal would help also, although that is almost implied by more specific. If you could relate this to a specific friend or to a personal experience it would most likely be more interesting than trying to write about something as general as you have. Not that there's anything wrong with your chosen subject, it's just much more difficult to write in such generalities and still maintain the reader's interest. Brad also mentioned the meter so let's discuss that a little. The generally accepted meter for a sonnet is iambic pentameter. This does not mean that nothing else can ever be used, of course, but there really should be a valid reason for any variance. The fact that you couldn't find the right words to make it right, BTW, is not considered a valid reason. I'll try to quickly fix your meter as an example of what I mean. Keep in mind that these changes are not for any purpose but to correct the meter. Some may not fit the context and some may even be nonsensical but hopefully will serve to demonstrate the meter thing. Life can be a lonely place to live With no one there to help you through it all, Joy fades until you have no more to give And on the ground no will to stand up tall. A helping hand is there to lift you up, A friend's warm smile in comfort gives you cheer, It's there to always lift your spirits up And there can be no friend to you more dear. A pat upon the back to give reprieve From sorrow, pain and darkness looming deep, A kindly soul who helps your heart believe In hope as sorrows from your soul to seep. And life can be a lonely place to live Without a friend like this, their hand to give. Ok, you will say that the first line is missing its first unstressed syllable. Well, that's one of those cases where, IMHO, it is acceptable. Dropping the first syllable serves to emphasize life, so there is a reason. Also, the third line begins with a spondaic foot, again for the same reason. The rest though are either iambic or so close that they can legitimately be read as such, again IMHO. Now it is true that you are the author and you have the right to write a sonnet any way you choose and with any sort of meter or meter variances. But, the general rule seems to be that one must first learn the accepted standard and prove proficiency at that before varying much from it. Notice that I have also added some punctuation. This is just my own personality quirk. Some of it is there to actually help the flow while some is just for gramatical correctness (I hope). Finally, some of your wording is a little cliche and some seems forced to make the rhymes come out, for example, reversing usual word order (see lines 8, 12 and 14) or wording which really doesn't fit contextually. Of course, some of my changes don't even make sense but that's not important, considering their purpose. I'll wait for the revision before going into that in much depth, as much of it will most likely change anyway. But I should point out two potential problems before you rewrite, assuming that you do. In the third quatrain, you use the word soul twice. This is one of those words which has been used far too many times in poetry. It is difficult to use without someone screaming CLICHE. I think if used where it is the correct and only correct word it is alright. But to use it twice so close together probably won't work. In this case, I suspect both should be replaced. Then in the second quatrain, you used the word up as an endword twice to rhyme with itself. In some forms this is acceptable but probably not in a sonnet. Try to find something else for at least one of them. Well, I think you have a good start here and would like to see you work on it some and bring it back in finished form. I also hope to see more from you soon. Thanks. < !signature--> Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 09-01-2000).] |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Thanks guys. Your critiques (sp?) helped me see where I could improve the sonnet, (the whole point of the CA forum)and inspired me to try to rewrite it. Version 1.1 of "Helping Hands" is now available in stores neer you, oops, actualy its available in CA, hopefully I fixed some of the things you talked about. |
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