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Helping Hands (revision 1.1)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Helping Hands (revision 1.1) |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Here is the first revision, maybe the last, who knows. Anyway, I hope I fixed most or at least some of the problems with the original. What does everybody think.(to see the original, just look in the CA forum for "Helping Hands") Life can be such a lonely place to live, With no one there to help you through it all. Joy shrivels until you have not to give Heaped upon the ground, no will to stand tall. Someones there, to take you from your despair Your friends compassionate smile gives you cheer. They are always there, to end your nightmare. There can be no one else to you more dear A pat on the back that gives to you reprieve From pain, and sorrow, and darkness so deep A kindly spirit that makes you believe, In hope, as sorrows from your being seep Life can be such a lonely place to live, Without a special friend, their hand to give |
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| © Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
hey there. In no way am I a critic per se, but someone to read a draft and lend some advice..yes... so with that said  ....i have read ur first poem and i will basically sound like brad and not a poet when i say that i believe u need to tighten up with the imagery or, in fact center ur piece around a new theme...instead of being general as they have said make a situation where the reader can discern from the poem that this is a poem of true friendship, as opposed to u spelling it all out to the reader...like for instance... Life can be such a lonely place to live this tells the reader that life is lonely...ok cool, ... Life, a barrenous desert of existence this forces the reader to say, he's describing a vast emptiness...we can assume lonely or a lot of other things...but the point is that it makes for a better picture to the reader...(actually what i may have wrote may be cliched too or just plain silly lol but its just to show u what they( brad and not a poet) and I meant with the images ...u know?) ....u have some grammar mistakes as well...but nothing to cry about and other than that the poem is cool and it's a nice form that u have put it in... sonnet form, but evoking images is what really is missing to some extent which could make it a better poem....but please this is only MY opinion...i may be wrong, much respect to ur poem < !signature-->"my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt [This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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