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hometown loser
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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hometown loser |
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fonics17 Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12 |
Hi, me again. Since noone at all kinda responded to my last post..at all, I was hoping i could put it with this new poem. So, heres another go, please respond someone! I'm not a great poet and I need help! Resignation Declined I'm at that old worn down coffee house again Staring at the groggy reflection inside my black cup So hopeless; mysterious It carelessly burns my tounge, and I sadly sigh As that acid jazz sinks into my soul. So here we are again, you and I Black cup filled with blacker coffee Resting on this dry worn out chess table Black and white squares stained with crimson caffine White King a1, black queens b1 and a2 Resignation declined. ---------- Heres the other poem, written by my good friend Meredith and I. We switched lines (i did likes 1,3 she did 2,4..then next stanza i did 2,4, etc) We need help on the rhymes...they aren't quite smooth yet. Stained Blood The sun gazed through these leaves about Casting shadows upon the ground And splashed on my face; then withdrew Into a space devoid of sound The earth swirls at my feet below As I lift my head from beneath this tree And raised it to the heaves high above My hands clenched, hands which cannot see These bursting red bright apples that I hold Capturing a look from my lusty eye Dark red passions of sin about Lowering my head, I begin to cry I squeeze the fruit till its juices bleed Its life slips through my fingers onto the sand And dribbles down my forarm with sweet stickiness Now stained blood remains upon my hand. |
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niky tamayo Junior Member
since 2000-08-22
Posts 17 |
i liked the first one... let's start with that. i think you could compress your ideas into fewer words... for example "old worn down" as simply "old" or "weathered" (acch, ferget that, sorry i said it.) "sadly sigh" probably might be just "sigh", for the next line sort of explains it out anyway... you should probably take "worn out" away from the chess table, as you've used that already, vary the poem a little... the reference to chess is cool, i see where you're getting at... white king cornered, but in chess, he'd be dead by the time they got into that position. i think the point you're trying to put across is that he's cornered between two women and can't back out of the situation? but then the 'i' character is in the coffeehouse with one other friend. maybe they are discussing the problem or he is asking for advice... if this is not the case, maybe you could weave the second black queen into the coffeehouse scene or leave the second person out altogether... it would make the piece more coherent if he were playing against an unknown... drop the "here we are again..." or something... just an idea. interesting piece. the second poem (you really shoulda made it another post...)... i don't know what to say about it, but it could use some work... did you guys just work alternating lines straight, or did you edit it together afterwards? the one thing that sticks is the word "about"... didn't really like it in either line. the best part, i think, is the last, although i doubt you could get apples to bleed! well done, nonetheless... except for a few typo errors, well done. |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I'm at work so I'll have to limit my reading to just the first one... 1) Title: Unique title, got my attention! 2) Fist Stanza: Very good, you carried me right there to the coffee house and I enjoyed every moment. Wonderful stanza! 3) Second Stanza: "Black cup" "blacker coffee" "stained with crimson caffeine" I enjoyed where you were headed but I felt bombarded with java here, after mentioning the cup and coffee already in the previous stanza - this shoved me right back into reality. 4) Overall: I really enjoyed the "moment" you created here. Like a memory that visits unexpectedly. 5)Ooops, almost missed it, typo on caffeine. Great Job!!! -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I've already discussed the second poem (sometimes, it just takes some time, you know) but I like this one much better. I'm at that old worn down coffee house again Staring at the groggy reflection inside my black cup --I like this 'set up' So hopeless; mysterious --drop this - show it, don't tell it. It carelessly burns my tounge, and I sadly sigh As that acid jazz sinks into my soul. --well done but I think it could be expanded slightly. So here we are again, you and I Black cup filled with blacker coffee Resting on this dry worn out chess table Black and white squares stained with crimson caffine White King a1, black queens b1 and a2 Resignation declined. --I think you need a build up here; it kind of jarred just jumping into the game so quickly. For an interesting example of another chess poem, look up Poertree's (Philip) poem. I can't remember the title but it's posted in CA and if I'm not mistaken it is also a sestina. Just an opinion, Brad |
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