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ShelleeM
New Member
since 2000-08-22
Posts 3


0 posted 2000-08-22 12:43 PM


eyes wide open,
yet she did not see,

she entered where they were waiting,
the carcasses of those gone before
piled in corners,
hidden away from the green.

in earnest, she began
chipping away at the shell
that had encased her
for far too long.

they saw her as easy prey,
and pounced...
violated and vilified her,
sinking their teeth deep,
ripping at her flesh,
though she gamely fought them off.

one of the teeth had gone deeper than the rest,
causing a slow bleed
to stain blue upon her visions,
of them, of herself, and of others,
her tenderness losing its color,
hardening the outer layers,
till once again, she was encased
within a shell of trepidations.

they smiled,
looking out from behind the dirty gray,
and broken panes,
the warriors of limited sight,
cleaning her flesh from beneath their nails,
picking it out of their teeth,
for their intent was not to kill,
only to repress, to quell,
to render helpless those who dared
to question what existence
lay beyond the shell.

Shellee M.

get out when the gettin's good




[This message has been edited by ShelleeM (edited 08-23-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 ShelleeM - All Rights Reserved
Janie
Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158

1 posted 2000-08-22 11:44 PM


Welcome to the forum! I see this is your first post.
Well, let me say that I find this is a difficult piece to critique. I believe you have much symbolism represented in your words and I'm not 100% sure I understand  what you're writing about. I believe you're writing about a person who was shy and eager to make friends, ready to come out of their shell who came upon some unkind people who couldn't offer the friendship the person sought, thus causing a retreat back into the shell...maybe I'm way off base?
The dogs appear to be people and in the end you've given them human like-qualities like 'smiling', 'cleaning their nails', 'picking their teeth' but I wonder why their intent is what you've said:
"only to repress, to quell,
to render helpless those who dared
to question what existence
lay beyond the shell."
I'm left wondering why the dogs were happy (smiling) to intentionally cause someone this misery. This leaves me with the feeling I'm not supposed to understand which makes the piece less enjoyable to me. For me, since this is free verse, my enjoyment of reading it would be in my comprehension. If this were rhyme, I could probably enjoy it more even if I didn't understand it if the rhyme scheme was clever.
Please don't be discouraged by what I write. Someone else may think otherwise. Just my thoughts.

Janie



ShelleeM
New Member
since 2000-08-22
Posts 3

2 posted 2000-08-23 02:28 AM


janie,

this is symbolic free verse i guess, so you are free to make of it what you will. i would never put a serious poem like this to rhyme. personally i don't care for rhyming greeting card-type poetry. you are somewhat right about the meaning. i found that there are many people on the net who will use someone for their advantage if that someone seems gullible or naive. i admit i am i guess. it is not worth it to be a kind person. thank you for your help.

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-08-23 07:23 AM


Shellee:

Welcome to CA.  You use some interesting metaphoric language in this poem.  A couple  suggestions ...

The lines in the first stanza do not read smoothly ... I believe the trouble begins at "knowledge sought, connection with others".  I think the problem lies with the sentence structure.  Just a suggestion:

With saucer eyes, she wandered
into that unfamiliar place
to chip away at the shell
that encased her
for far too long.

The "shell" already implies the separation from others you mentioned and the "saucer eyes" implies both apprehensiveness and the gathering of new knowledge.  

Besides the difficulty I had with the flow of the first stanza, the only other phrase that caused me any trouble was "pierced her heart".  To me, this common image sticks out like a sore thumb in the midst of some really great lines like "though she gamely fought them off" and "staining blue upon her visions, / of them, of herself, and of others, / causing her tenderness to vanish, ...".  I also liked "the warriors of limited sight".

All in all, I thought this was a strong poem that (with the exception of "pierced her heart") avoided cliche with very clever wording.  Also, I thought the graphic physical description of the emotional havoc caused by the "attack" was effective.  Nice work.

Jim


[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-23-2000).]

Janie
Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158

4 posted 2000-08-23 06:37 PM


Shellee,

As for being gullible and naive, I got the "Miss Airhead" award at my prom so I can understand where you're coming from, but as far as it not being worth it to be a kind person, I disagree.  I know after life throws some hard balls at us it's easy to get cynical but there are many nice people out there who are on "your side". For people who aren't, all I can say is "shame on them." The people who thought I was an airhead who took advantage of me, didn't really know me nor did they know what was going on in my writer's heart and mind. There was probably even a time I believed them,  but not anymore. Now I think maybe I was "too deep" and they just didn't understand.

Janie< !signature-->



[This message has been edited by Janie (edited 08-23-2000).]

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 2000-08-26 08:24 PM


First, I'd think about changing the title - for me, this is poem about a person's "shell" rather than the "dogs" (or maybe write two poems). Second, I'd try to get more concrete with the image of the shell - I don't think 'trepidations' is strong enough. Third, I think the descriptive stanza of the 'dogs' is too telling -show us that they don't want to kill, just quell (I like some of you work choice by the way). I think this would make the ending more powerful.

By the way, I enjoyed the read.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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