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Stephanos

Member Elite

since 2000-07-31

Posts 3618
Statesboro, GA, USA

0 posted 2000-08-22 10:23 PM

(This is a poem I recently posted on The Corner Pub.  Please forgive for my re-post, but I made a few changes and wanted to see what input I could glean from this forum)

Television, what a hybrid spring!
that thing that drones to us our news
(so called) afflicting us with blues,
and pours from turning channels,
as in morning flannels families sit
or kneel before its eye with bended knees,
a spate of hollow viewpoints, mingled values,
vain philosophies,  and yet
of valid wisdom meager clues.
Still we pay our dues without a blink.
Without a pause we think its streams
of imagery and speech should freely
flux throughout our dens
and spew the sullied waters
of society’s communal sins
and tell us what to think and wear
and mostly what to buy.
And since each borrowed thought
is caught so easily, no wonder why
so few desire a passage
from the spectral haze to break its spell
and glassy gaze
and venture the discovery
of who they are.
And yet surprised, sometimes I’ll glance
a jewel,  here and there some gold,
amid the old, renewal,
something winsome or inspiring
caught among insipid shows,
from sundry woes a glad refrain.
And yet such pain is threshing for
the wheat among the chaff.  I laugh
and query “Is it worth it”?
Maybe  sometimes, in a way.
But pause and ponder how much more
could soon be had, if people would,
outside this box so very more
replete with what is bad
than good.

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

1 posted 2000-08-23 12:55 PM

Hi Stephanos,
In general: I like the message (society does "worship" the tele), most rhyme seems natural, good visuals and adjectives.
(there may be a few puncutation corrections in order)

Form/Style: It may just be me, but I liked the way you set up the first three lines of the poem in which the rhyme of the 2nd and 3rd lines are so visually apparent. However in the 4th line, either you've switched to internal rhyme or the line break doesn't make the end rhyme apparent. Since I don't know your intent, I don't know how to critique this. If this were free verse, I could only appreciate the images, content and free "flow" but since you're using rhyme, I could appreciate your effort better if I could "see" a pattern of your intent which I can not, possibly due to the way the lines are broken.
For instance take these 5 lines:

Television, what a hybrid spring!
that thing that drones to us our news
(so called) afflicting us with blues,
and pours from turning channels,
as families sit in morning flannels

I've made a change of your word order in the 5th line to accommodate an end-rhyme pattern in the 4th and 5th lines. (This may not be what you're going for and my suggestion, misguided)

Also, some of the rhyme isn't "true". Maybe you could decide if you want "true" rhyme or not and go one way or the other.
(ex: dens...sins vs news...blues)

I think the piece has a lot of potential!

Just my thoughts...

Janie

< !signature-->

[This message has been edited by Janie (edited 08-23-2000).]

Stephanos

Member Elite

since 2000-07-31

Posts 3618
Statesboro, GA, USA

2 posted 2000-08-23 08:37 AM

Janie,

Thanks  for your reply.

About the rhyming . . . I usually write with very defined rhyme shceme
with strong end-rhymes etc...  But I guess I was going for a freer feel
here.  Maybe it is best called free verse that borrows from rhyming metrical
verse (though heavily!- I layed it on kind of thick).  I guess I should either go one way or the other, but I kind of liked what turned out as it was unusual to say the least.  Yes I did
alternate much between end-rhymes and internal rhymes as you noted, but it was intentional mainly for the point of trying it different.  (I'm in a phase of stretching my writing styles-  bored with my usuals I guess).

I think the issue of true rhyme versus off-rhyme may be due to our geographics!
I'm a south Georgia boy and say "Den" exactly like "sin".  I guess to some of you non southerners that is a sin!! (ha ha).
Anyway, I thank you for your input.  It was very constructive and gave me alot to consider.

[This message has been edited by Stephanos (edited 08-23-2000).]

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

3 posted 2000-08-23 06:12 PM

Stephanos,

I can appreciate trying new styles. I'm kind of there myself. I laugh at your joke about yourself, especially since I'm southern too.
As I said in my comments, not knowing what you were trying to achieve in your scheme made it difficult to critique.

Janie

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2000-08-26 08:14 PM

Hey, someone's actually shooting for a little complexity in their theme - thank you for that. Overall, a good poem with a few lines that seem a little awkward to my ear:

or kneel before its eye with bended knees

And yet such pain is threshing for
the wheat among the chaff. I laugh
and query “Is it worth it”?

and a few more that with a little work could be made more original.

Two suggestions: play around with line break and see what happens and maybe play around with the end image - I'm not against using a kind of "Pleasantville" scenario to enhance the image there.

Just some suggestions,
Brad

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