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Take This Thing From Me
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Take This Thing From Me |
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gidget7 Member
since 2000-08-12
Posts 52Arkansas, USA |
Take This Thing From Me Lord..... Oh Lord,I trust in you, and I thank you for the life you have given me. I know what I must do. But sometimes it is so hard to fall upon my knees. This burden I have recieved hurts so deeply,it is so heavy, so dark. So hard to lift up to you,to take it from my heart. Father, my child, so innocent,and pure. How could this happen to her. Where were you when she cried for you, was there anything you tried to do? So alone and small didnt you hear her voice call. Tears hot and heavy on her cheeks. She tried to fight, so little and weak, so scared of the night. Her Daddy, how could he? Oh Jesus, please take this thing from me. Oh Lord I cry to you, take this thing from her to. Lord give her back her joy. Give her back her beautiful spirit. Let her not be inprisoned inside herself, Let her pain be heard for all to hear it. Mommy failed her,who can she believe. Oh Lord I pray,take this thing from me. Jesus,please... take this thing from me. [This message has been edited by gidget7 (edited 08-19-2000).] |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hi gidget i see your new to Passions welcome  .umm i would never consider myself to be a critic of any kind..but perhaps an extra person to proof read your work...yes  now on the grammar bit you have asked many questions...yet do not use question marks..and you have used many commas as well...for sake of saving myself time of goning back and forth with this computer...i have just stated where i think some things need to be corrected..like.... line 2 get rid of first comma line 11 get rid of third comma line 12 put a question mark line13 put a question mark( insead of comma) line 14 capitalize the frst word line 16 you have a contraction..use an ' and put a question mark as well at the end line 27 the word is mispelled...imprisioned line 29 put a question mark ok that takes care of simple grammar mistakes...now about the 'meat' of this poem..i'm a bit confused as to what you want the Lord to get rid of for you...is it emptiness? if so just say it in one line, that's unless i missed it or perhaps you may need to elaborate on what it is that u need to be uplifted from you and your child....umm other than that i think the poem is good and has potential to be tragic the minute i can be SURE of what exactly it is that has happened that has made you write this poem...BUT then again it could just be me LOL i'm no critic lol..I wish the better for you "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- me |
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gidget7 Member
since 2000-08-12
Posts 52Arkansas, USA |
I was speaking of the guilt that a mother feels when she fails to protect her daughter from being molested.The feeling of shame,and failure,as a mother.These are the feelings I was speaking of.And the question thing, I should have worded it differently,but it was more of a statement in my mind than a question.But I see that it does not display that way on "paper".And as far as the commas and all those goodies, I am not so very good at that.I simply "scribbled" this down this morning,and wanted a good idea of what to do to polish it up.Thank you for helping out,I will make the corrections on my program.I hope all can see what this poem is trying to say about guilt and sin and all,that none is too great to be forgiven. |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
hey there i just read your reply and just wanted to say i agree with u about that scribbling thing..sometimes i just write and write independent of grammar you know (like now LOL) As for the molested part i really think you need to include that b/c i had NO idea that this poem was about that..and i'm sorry that it is..i wish to see it again in the open poetry forum one day though..i send my best wishes "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- me |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Hi Giget and JnR4eva, Giget, you already have my thoughts on this I just wanted to show JnR4eva the line that I believe shows "what" has happened and that's this line: "Her Daddy, how could he?" How could he do such a thing, she was so small, tried to fight, so innocent, so pure.... Do you see it any better now? Janie |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Gidget, I agree with Janie, that line gave a pretty substantial clue as to the real subject of the poem. But, on the other hand, I found the repeated references to "this thing" a little lacking, if not distracting. I think some more imaginative wording would help. Then I get on the soap box and agree with JnR4eva on the spelling, punctuation and grammar. While it's fine to just scribble thoughts down in the beginning, I really think one should always proofread and correct ALL mechanical mistakes before presenting written work to others. And I think this is every bit as important when submitting for advice and critique. After all, this forum is where we try to learn how to write poetry. Everyone here is happy to help, to the best of their abilities, with problems related to poetry but most pretty quickly tire of correcting mechanical mistakes that the author should have taken care of before posting. Sorry to go on-and-on like that but I guess this qualifies as a "pet peeve." Pete |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Gidget, I saw in all of things that were said, some things helpful and constructive, but I would like to add that it is a touching poem intimately written unto your God. The intimacy of it is very good, akin to the crying of the Psalmists of the Old Testament (in that they were very forward and personal with God). I would like to add that I feel it would detract from the poem to explicitly state that molestation was the grievous situation referred to. Sufficient were your allusions to the deed. However being more descriptive in other places might add to it's strength. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Take a look at Jim's most recent poem for an example of something like this that can work. I wonder if the subject matter is so intense and powerful that you can't quite get it to work. You begin and end with more or less the same idea - a cry, a rant. Believe it or not this a very common theme in poetry these days (if not in the past) and I think you need to give it some type of different flavor, some complexity to make it more interesting (the poem, not the theme - I'm trying to separate the two). I'll give the same advice I give everyone else (but I don't honestly know if it can be done) - take a look at the characters in the piece: the speaker, the innocent, and the evil. Why not try to muddy these up a bit? Why not try to show the guilt of the evil of something like that? Just an opinion, Brad |
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