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Critical Analysis #1
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Do You Believe?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Do You Believe? |
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ggrn3 Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433Nahunta Georgia U.S. |
Do You Believe? ~by Garfield~ As I know, you know, we know, this world could be a better place for you and I. But every one wants to live their own lives, and yet they ask "why?" Why is the world such bad place, with famine in some countries, and the world with incurable disease; what does this world need to bring famine and pestilence to its knees? One might think the rich should give a little and the poor should receive, but this would only excite another kind of greed. One might think that we should pull together as one, but can a world unite to become a better place under the sun? With war going on in courtries fighting for independence and racism embodied in others at present, should we consider this to be decadence? Or should we remain optimistic, and hope and pray for a better day; when a world united, would be a better place to stay. Garfield |
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| © Copyright 2000 Garfield Green III - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Optimism is always preferred. I just saw a few minor things, typos, words left out. Here are the corrections: As I know, you know, we know, this world could be a better place for you and I. But every one wants to live their own lives, and yet they ask "why?" Why is the world such a bad place, with famine in some countries and with incurable disease; what does this world need to bring famine and pestilence to its knees? One might think the rich should give a little and the poor should receive, but this would only excite another kind of greed. One might think that we should pull together as one, but can the world unite to become a better place under the sun? With war going on in countries fighting for independence and racism embodied in others at present, should we consider this to be decadence? Or should we remain optimistic, and hope and pray for a better day; when a world united, would be a better place to stay. Janie |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
I think Janie pointed out well a few things of note. I'd just like to add that you choose quite a difficult topic in that it's been done a lot before. The trick then is to do it in a way that is different from what has been attempted. I liked the line "but this would only excite another kind of greed", but elsewhere too little in originality. I also had trouble with the presentation, some lines were too long, maybe you could work on this. Anyway, just ideas and look forward to reading more from you in the future, cheers. Seoulman. |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
This is a topic that has been done quite often, making it quite a challenge to be original, and in doing so, not become overly dramatic as most writers can be trying to create originality. You pulled this off very well. I could envision a great philosoper and scholar swept away in giving his heartfelt speach... plea... as the crowd of onlookers sit quietly around his feet pondering the meaning of every phrase. -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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ggrn3 Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433Nahunta Georgia U.S. |
Janie Thanks for your response in CA. I loved it. But you said that there were typos, words left out, and a few other minor things. I see where you made a minor revision to the line that read "Why is this world such a bad place, with famine in some countries, and the world with incurable disease." Your revision reads like this "Why is this world such a bad place, with famine in some countries and with incurable disease." You deleted "and the world." Can you point out any other revisions you think should be made, the typos noticed, etc. I would love to make this poem better than it is. Seoulman Thanks for your response here in CA. You stated that I chose a difficult subject, one that has been done many times. You say the trick is to do it in a way that is different from what has been attempted. I would like your suggestion has to how I could make it different and improve on this poem. When I wrote it, I did not know that this was a topic or subject which has been written about many times before. Didn't know until I read your response. Please post your suggestions. I would definitely like to improve this poem and produce something more original. Ladysixstring As always, your response was nothing but positive. I'm glad that it was pleasing for you to read, as is all your poetry that I have read of yours. But if you have any constructive criticism, I would like to hear it. Do not be ashamed to bash my poems from time to time, or even plug in something that you think would enhance the poem itself. Garfield |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Yup. This is a difficult subject. I don't think its overdone though, and that's because I don't read as much poetry as some might. But it has to come across with a BANG! Otherwise it descends into everything you did not mean it to be. Do a re-post let's see what happens. |
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ggrn3 Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433Nahunta Georgia U.S. |
Malikk, Thanks for your outlook. I'll attempt to edit it and repost at a later date. We'll see what happens. Garfield |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
hey there ggrn3.....i was reading your work and i would say that i do not feel as if this style of poetry has been beaten to death by many poets but then again i am not totally up on EVERY poem out there ..ok so of the poem itself...interesting format once again....i fiddled with ur poem and tried to see if it would be better possibly in a stanza-like form...but i believe what you have here is fine the way it is.....as for grammar mistakes u are fully aware of that already and then here is my 'biggest' prob.... "should pull together as one, but can a world unite to become a better place under the sun? {{ With war going on in countries fighting for independence and racism embodied in others at present, should we consider this to be decadence? }} " as i read this work i believe it is ur usage of internal rhyming which makes it sooo nice and continous..that is until i hit the line which is in brackets....i read that straight through and it didn't sound like it rhymed as the other lines did or rather not as nicely...so i said OK let me look closer and i saw that independence and present and decadence (though it was present and independence that i was looking for more) are near perfect rhymes...yet..as i read this i am not inclined to read it as.... {{ With war going on in countries fighting for independence,<< break for breathe>> and racism embodied in others at present, should we consider this to be decadence? }} ...I read it and broke off at racism and expected for a word to rhyme with racism like this... {{ With war going on in countries fighting for independence and racism << break for breathe >>embodied in others at present, should we consider this to be decadence? }} To me it seems as if your forcing the rhyme..but then again it might be me...b/c I am tired at the moment.... I really cant think of a constructive line to make up for it..but im sure u can.....other than that this poem is fine and very well written...much respect  < !signature-->"my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt [This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 08-26-2000).] |
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