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Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

0 posted 2000-08-18 03:42 AM

I must admit, I haven't written free verse in a long time. This is from college. I'm curious to see what you think of it.

Once again I’m falling
not knowing where I’m going
though I have a feeling where
I blindly close my eyes
I sit at home alone
the call never comes
my mind exploits the truth
of what we are
I’d rather be blind
to be shown the way
can this combine
not leading me astray?
Searching your eyes
for one small clue
but briars which guard
won’t let me pass through
Many thorns have scarred me before yours
I know the sting will go away leaving me stronger
if I could just walk away, be left untouched
but for that the time has passed
Now I must walk by with care
ignoring your words,
your intimate stare
Maybe I can clear the briars away?
Or perhaps I'll be left with a thorn that remains

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

1 posted 2000-08-19 04:51 AM

welllll, if you want my honest opinion, im not a big fan of this one. i think perhaps it lacks imagery, no showing, or hardly any, all telling. what you really have is kind of a narrative, but without imagery. narritives are fine, but they really need the lush similes and metaphors to make them interesting. doesnt compare to your barbie piece

luv Elyse

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

2 posted 2000-08-19 11:58 AM

That's fair. I appreciate what you've said. I wrote the Barbie piece a few weeks ago and this Briar piece is 14 years old. Maybe I've improved since then? (I would hope so at least)

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2000-08-24 02:48 AM

Curious if you want to work on this some more or just wanted to see the reaction.

I agree with Elyse.

Brad

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

4 posted 2000-08-25 12:59 PM

Brad,

I guess I was looking for reaction as I've never felt as confident about my free verse as my rhyming poems. Just looking for some direction and I'm glad I can count on you guys to give it to me! I may work on this one some more, but for now this one's on the back burner.

Janie

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