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Now Fire!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Now Fire! |
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WTVamp Junior Member
since 2000-05-01
Posts 18Salem, OR, US |
He stopped them both in the middle of town. An ignorant Nazi man, who grabbed the elder man and threw him down. He pointed the pistol at his head. "You stupid jew," he cried, "all this sorrow, and you're the reason why." "Then fire," the jewish man cried, "Point your pistol and fire." And the Nazi man yelled and shot him there dead. The daughter ran up to her father and cried, and she shoved the Nazi, and stood by her father as she watched him die. "You scoundrel, " she cried, "What did my father do that you killed him. What right have all of you, to say that a Jew is worthless? " The Nazi man threw the girl aside, and threatened to kill her too. "Child, " he sighed, "if you truly value your life, than I would suggest you leave. " "No...fire! " The jewish girl cried, "Point your pistol and fire! " And the Nazi man frowned and turned away. "No, look at my eyes, you coward, " She gazed intently, "and shoot! These eyes will hurt you, and pursue you even in your finest hours, and haunt you all your life. " "Here, look at my eyes you filthy coward! Now fire! " She cried, "Point you're pistol and fire! " |
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| © Copyright 2000 Warren (Vamp) Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WT: Whoa, WT, your covering a lot of ground here ... maybe you should think about reigning it in. The first stanza sounds mostly lyrical and the rhyme led me in the direction of thinking this was going to be rhyming verse. Furthermore, I thought the scene involving the daughter erred a little on the side of melodrama and the last stanza seemed anti-climactic. My suggestion would be to consider the latter portion of the poem as a draft of the ideas you want to express and try to build the tension of the moment steadily to the end ... then hit us with the punch. Also, you may want to consider toning down the daughter's speech in the second to last stanza. You may want to consider telling the story from the point of view of the "Nazi man" ... perhaps, then, the impact of the daughter's words would be better received. Just an opinion. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
There's certainly a gut reaction to this piece and I suppose you left off the climax for aesthetic reasons (which actually works in a way - even if the daughter doesn't sound like a daughter as Jim pointed out). Still, I think you could have a stronger psychological piece if you went further into the Nazi's head after the action. Not all felt remorse and wonder if you might try to create a fine line between melodramatic remorse and blatant rationalism. Just an idea, Brad |
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niky tamayo Junior Member
since 2000-08-22
Posts 17 |
hmmm... interesting as a shock piece, but kind of bare. it's like a movie scene, because we can't see inside their heads... but i agree with the others, you ought to get inside their heads. i think the final part is kind of unrealistic... the nazi man would've shot the daughter, too. |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I agree, I'd like to get inside somebody's head... preferably the Nazi man... or bounce each stanza back and forth between Nazi and daughter. Sorry, but I say the daughter gets it too. He would not have let her live - put me in his head at that moment because I sure as hell can't imagine it otherwise!! You have an enormous bundle of potential with this one!!! -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
WT, i find poetry difficult to write in prose format, which, to an extent, is what you tried to do here. There are two pitfalls,from my experience, one is that in prose you need to develop your characters more, which leads to the other problem: developed characters takes up lines. If you don't do that though, you can end up with a chopped version, which will leave the reader with a dull sense in their mouth-minds? Hats off to you for trying though. Other than this I don't know what to say here. |
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