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Critical Analysis #1
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Weekly Visit.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Weekly Visit. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
He eats a leaf of lettuce as if it were caviar, licks his spoon after putting away pudding. The crunch, crunch, crunch of his teeth on dried crackers grate on my nerves, and as usual the crumbs locate themselves strategically in his grizzled beard, moving in synch to the cadence of his jaws. He'll pry pieces of pulverized chicken from between his teeth while staring me in the face, then fart as if he was the only being on the planet. He's old and disgusting, smelly as an occupational bum; calls his doctor a jackass! then tokes himself on Bacardi rum into one more oblivion sun. He's got nothing to lose. I hate him! He's my great uncle. |
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| © Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WTVamp Junior Member
since 2000-05-01
Posts 18Salem, OR, US |
You have a great descriptive sense, which as far as modern authors are concerened is one of my favorite traits. You seemed to be very advanced in your structure, where the rythyms are begining to become more subtle, but still enough to make the verse flow. The topic choice is very original, and is explained well. I enjoyed it, thanks!!! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
YM, You've got a great beginning here; I was immediately brought in and was eager to read more but the ending didn't satisfy me. I wonder if you might try to move away from your feelings and more into an exploration of his 'nothing to lose' attitude and maybe show that he is playing a game with himself as much as irritating the speaker. What do you think? Brad |
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niky tamayo Junior Member
since 2000-08-22
Posts 17 |
interesting. i liked it, except the line "into one more oblivion sun" because it sounds like forced rhyme... the last paragraph should be longer... give us more than that. "fart as if he was the only being on the planet" is a line you don't hear everyday, i'll give you that. |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I was quite fascinated with this one... images of people who "grossed me out" in the past kept coming to mind. I couldn't wait to find out who your inspiration was. I have to agree with the previous comments though... I was captivated until "into one more oblivion sun" at which point I had to back up, adjust my mental rhythm, and read it again. I was expecting a more clever ending... "He's got nothing to lose. I hate him! He's my great uncle." felt a little anti-climactic. Other than that, it was powerful... you've even got me hating the poor slob!!! -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
WtVamp, thanks for your kind comments, wait until you see some of my more mediocre work, ask the folk around here. But seriously, I appreciate it. Brad, yes. The ending could probably be developed into something. I'll surely work on it. Thanks for reading and for the insightful comments you always offer up. niky! You caught me. I was trying to get away with that 'oblivion sun' thing. In writing this poem, I stumbled from here on out, as everyone else can see. The character kind-a faded on me.. I was at work and couldn't fully paint this out. But I'll work on a re-post. Thanks for readingand commenting. ladysix, please don't hate him. The poem is actually inspired by a co-worker of mine who has dentures. We sit prety close to each other, so I could hear him eat at his desk, and he makes the most awful sounds with his mouth. The rest I made up, which perhaps partly explains why the character peters out at the end. Thanks for reading and commenting. |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
To learn this was a bogus character inspired by mouth noise only impresses me more!! Great job... so realistic a description!! By the way.... I Hate Mouth Noises!!! I always have to have the radio on when someone eats with me at the table... inherited it from my father, and he from his. Well, let's just say I come from a long line of Mouth Noise Haters. LOL Looking forward to reading more of your work.< !signature--> -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com [This message has been edited by ladysixstring (edited 08-24-2000).] |
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