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The Artist
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The Artist |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
The Artist The canvass-pristine, colorless The easel-transparent, non-existent The room-dimensionless and pitch Nothing upon nothing within nothing, yet it exists. A transparent hand, effulgence, hot and molten, releases its first wave of creativity. The canvass gasps for air, gasps the first breath in which the first newborn cries. With the piercing sound, gases ignite from within the nucleus. Exploding from nirvana, kaleidoscope colors form pure energy, illuminating the backdrop with virginal hues, hues never seen before, never to be seen again, thus creating the predestined palette, the palette of creation. The artist completes His work with ease, with ease of color-by-numbers, nothing by chance, nothing would need change, all according to His plan and schedule. His complete work, He carries everywhere. It never leaves His sight. His omnipotent eyes penetrate each image with scrutiny, each image justly scrutinized by the origin of its heed. Some strokes, noteworthy, He admires, others, noxious, He does not. He remembers the technique used to brush each stroke, the contact of each bristle upon its surface. He sees each nuance as a solitary work, the work of which He is the essence. So many moons pass, so many moons will pass away Soon- He will wipe clean the surface, and start anew. Soon- He will recreate, His most coveted examples of artistry, those which venerate His work; Soon- He will discard the rest and they will fade away; into oblivion below His living canvass, past the continuum of His infinite easel, towards the abyss of His never-ending floor, and fade to an existence of nothing upon nothing within nothing, existing only to become chastened specs of primordial paint on an artist’s canvass of blood Soon... [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Janie: I think you have an interesting idea here (God the Creator as an Artist) but I think you've made a mistake in spelling out the metaphor with too much detail. You over-explain. Furthermore, as lengthy as the poem is, it leaves out the element of redemption that is often present in religious poetry ... you jump from creation, to many moon passing (skipping over many opportunities to flesh out the Artist's artistry), to judgement and recreation. The Artist appears aloof from His painting and this, to me, is a misrepresentation of what you are trying to say (I could be wrong ... I may not actually understand what you are trying to say). You turn some good phrases ... I especially liked "of nothing upon nothing within nothing, / existing only to become / chastened specs of primordial paint / on an artist’s canvass of blood" but there were other places where the construction of words and phrases seemed a little unwieldy (the first three lines, for example). The poem demonstrates the strength of your vocabulary ... I would suggest now that you focus more on theme. Just an opinion. Jim |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Jim, hmmm...I'm considering what you've told me and going back to my work to see if I can do what you suggest. As for spelling out the metaphor in too much detail, I don't know that I can change that without detracting from my purpose. You see, I came to write this as I tried to envision "creation". When I was a child and thought of creation what always came to my mind was the analogy of creation emerging from a blank piece of paper that didn't exist, thus is born "nothing, from nothing, within nothing". The first 3 lines are the "nothing" and in them I'm trying to set up "the stage", if you will, the dark room is the universe, the exploding colors against the backdrop is perhaps "the big bang". When you say: "leaves...element of redemption...present in religious poetry ... you jump from creation, to...moon passing (skipping over... opportunities to flesh out the Artist's artistry), to judgement and recreation... Artist appears aloof...to me, is a misrepresentation of what you are trying to say" -this, I will give some serious consideration and will try to add a redemptive opportunity, strengthen the theme and try to remove the aloofness you speak of. Thanks for your serious evaluation of my work. Janie |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Janie: quote: Don't underestimate the effectiveness of progressive revelation.  Perhaps consider beginning the poem with the "Nothing upon nothing within nothing" line ... don't tell us there is an invisible canvas and an invisible easel ... allow us to draw that conclusion when the artist picks up his brush. You've gone too far in the beginning to reproduce the "In the beginning the world was without form and void". Hints ... clues ... until the reader realizes that the Artist is God and suddenly your meaning begins to unfold and your poem has movement. The draw-back of a poem like this is the tendency for predictability. The longer you draw the poem out, the more time the reader has to figure out where you are going. Unless you have a clever, unexpected turn at the end that surprises the reader, I would suggest making the poem as concise as possible (that is to say, don't give the reader time to figure out how it is going to end. Thanks for receiving my opinions gracefully. I honestly think the poem has potential ... I hope you decide to rewrite it.Jim |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi janie! i have to agree with jim. it seems to me that in many places you are repeating yourself. to give a for instance... The canvass gasps for air, gasps the first breath since it can be assumed that a canvass does not breathe at all or ever, to say that it gasps for air already tells the reader that that is the first breath. see? it seems to me that you get into trouble trying to make sure you're understood. dont make it so easy. make your readers work for it a bit. they'll appreciate you for it (i promise) luv Elyse |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
hmmm...you both give me much to think about, Elyse and Jim. I like your suggestion, Jim, to begin the poem with the "nothing" stuff. As for the repetition, Elyse, I thought I was enhancing the tone of the piece, but I see perhaps I've missed my mark. Yes...a re-write will be necessary... hmmmmmm, me thinks I have a cool idea. I'll be back with it later. Janie< !signature--> [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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