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In Tune
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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In Tune |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I climbed the stairs to take a look, A chance to see the other side. At first, the rays began to blind Instead of acting as a guide. The window covered half the wall And framed a stage I couldn't see Until the rays had played their pain And gently shaped a scene to free A man who bumped another man, A woman running in the street, A child in tantrums fighting mom, A dog that must have been in heat, The leaves that swayed above my head, The cars that slowly moved below, The glass that yielded such a view -- All seemed to shimmer, glow, and grow. They didn't know; they couldn't know Except the man who sat alone And played an out of tune guitar. He knew how free the light had shown. [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 08-23-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Brad, Perfectly delightful, the message. The old man very easily could have been a poet, writing a poem without knowledge of rhyme, etc.-Original, simple, easy to read and with a message. I liked. Blessings, Marcy |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Brad, This was so different from your usual style, and I enjoyed reading. I do feel, however, as you did about my poem that's on the forum now, that your words would have much more power without the rhyme, and perhaps with varied line length. Your descriptions are not quite so vivid as usual, although they're good. I guess this is an example of my theory that structure can often mean a reduction in imagery and emotion, for the most part. Pete's an exception. I like the second stanza, with the exception of the last line. "The window covered half the wall And framed a stage I couldn't see Until the rays had played their pain And gently shaped a scene to free" Nice work, Brad, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well Brad, looks like you have been pretty busy since yesterday (lots of comments out there and all). I think I like this one a lot. It really painted a picture for me of the scene you describe (guess that last sentence was pretty much a cliche though). Like Kris, I question the 8th line ". . . a scene to free". I did notice the absence of punctuation. At first I thought it was an oversight but rereading suggests that you intended it. If that's the case the free probably fits grammatically and makes sense. Please enlighten as to your intent here. I also have a little problem with the last line of the 4th stanza, "All seemed to shimmer, glow, and grow." For some reason I can't explain, it just seems a little forced, maybe too many adjectives, I don't know. My final comment relates to the meter. I read this as a pretty serious poem about a fairly deep subject. It seems to deserve longer lines, probably pentameter. Again, JMHO. All-in-all, it was quite enjoyable. Thanks. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 08-10-2000).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Brad, Firstly, let me say I enjoyed this poem to a T... I really like your way of writing and the way you put thoughts to words... I am no good at critiques aimed at meter or style... but I can lend a hand in grammar, perhaps...  Last line of second stanza abrupted the flow but it rhymed... I'd like to see a "." at the end of it. There needs to be a break between those two stanzas 2 and 3 in particular... but I am no expert... to free a scene would be more in flow, but then would not rhyme Third stanza posed two problems "in the street" - 3rd line I would say it must be "on the street" in is incorrect, I think. "been in heat," 4th line "been in the heat." is more correct. "in heat" to me is improper usage of the phrase unless you mean something else... but then you may lose the meter... of which I have not much authority on... Thanks for hearing me out  Regards, sudhir |
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Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
Hi Brad, This is the first time that I have actually ever seen any of your work (I was AWOL for a while). I really enjoyed your poem I can not be critical at all!!Nice to see your work - Kirsty |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Brad, I thought the idea of a window framing the world, or a vision of the world, was good. You have pointed out yourself on many occassions the possible pitfalls of formal verse, in particular rhyming verse. In particular, "hurt instead of act the guide" and "shaped a scene to free" seemed awkward contorsions to me. Now I have some ideas about the tune and the guitar, but I feel that the requirment of the rhyming doesn't develop this. The sentences did not seem to me as overtly there for the sake only of the rhyme, but it is a matter of degree. -Tim |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Brad, To be honest I didn't care for this! It's always nice to try new things, but I don't like the way you inserted useless and meaningless words and phrases just to maintain the meter etc. Sorry! |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Brad nice poem. I liked how the flow picked up at the third stanza and the overall theme. forrest |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: This reminds me of the old story of the person who strove reach the summit of the Mountain of Enlightenment only to find the people he dismissed early in his trek had reached the peek long before him. I've been mulling over this poem long and hard (as we Type C's tend to do) and I think this poem is about your(?) ambition to ask questions most others wouldn't ask and seek out answers to those questions long after many others decide to quit. I think the climbing of "the stairs" represents this action and "the light" represents knowledge. The painfulness of the initial exposure to this light (the "geeze ... I can't believe I used to think that was true" syndrome) is consistent with the tearing-down process that accompanies learning new stuff and ditching the old. Well, if I've completely missed the mark up to this point then I suppose my entire interpretation of the meaning of this poem is flawed. My take on the last stanza is that the "climber" reached a high place where he was able to see when he realized that knowledge isn't the greatest end ... the greatest end is contentment. It is this interpretation, btw, that helps me to tolerate your use of "to free" at the end of the second stanza (I believe its meaning is paralleled in the last line of the last stanza). And then again ... I could be wrong. Thanks for the read, Brad. To be completely honest, I didn't like this poem until I thought about it. Afterwards, I suppose I thought it was fine. Not one of your strongest works but still fine. Jim |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who commented. I'd like to address some of the issues people have brought up but I don't have the time right now. Quickly, to those who enjoyed - thanks - I like it too (at least for now). To those who were less than satisfied, an even greater thanks. I have sometimes worried that I've been here so long that my writing intimidates (an "I don't like this poem but it must be me" kind of syndrome) or that you'll offend me in someway (in this case, someone thinks I might say, "How dare someone who has only been here are month say such a thing about my poem"). Of course, neither is true. I need criticism and want criticism as much as anybody else here and am glad to have received some here. Of course, I will try to explain my decisions later - I will say that this began as nothing more than an exercise in iambic tetrameter in abxb rhyme scheme with the theme: describe a view from a window. I was also only supposed to use one adjective per stanza but I broke that one. More later, Brad |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi brad ...I liked this poem alot, probably cuz there's not to many of your poems I can read & understand right away LOL ...if you still need practice in doing meter there's not much hope for me then ...your poem reminded me of my Grandfather sitting at the kitchen window strumming on his guitar & making up words about what was going on outside this tiny little window. I believe this is what you would call a cliche, 'the whole world is a stage' and it truly was through my Grandfather's eyes. debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well Brad, I still find this one to be very enjoyable, whether it was intended to be taken seriously or not. Thanks, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I have been persuaded to alter the first line of the first stanza; it seems to have been universally condemned and for good reason. Brad |
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