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Critical Analysis #1
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Territory
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Territory |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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Scratched a circle in the dirt. This will be my place to stand and lay my feet, hibernate and deceive. Broken branch in hand I can stab fatal words here mutilated soil clings to my open wounds. The fresh bait is what I have always been. I am not ready for this, not today nor yesterday every second forever delayed. This is my territory claimed in the name of necessity, every vertical requires a stone to lend against. Some deserters wander upon me like stray dogs sniffing the tattered bone. They come to inspect, make a mark dose me with urine and leave. "It is not the environment but how you use it", what fool choked upon that truism knew nothing of me! This country, like all others, offers only sadist respect, it is the rush of heroin, the stabbing needle the spilt second honeymoon the rest is nightmare dependency. Bogged down in negative reflections it is all the same just another time filler until I can fill a hole somewhere I have never been now that would be a nice holiday! The sun dazzles my eyes, there is a moment of dreaming at least, no more no less. A vulture waits as long at it takes. I wear a dying garment of cells decaying and exploding into wrinkles. Just watch myself become dust, there is a certain comfort in this hopelessness. Maybe I should have surrounded myself with people become distracted in companionship, formed bounds and sought comfort in shared desolation I did once call cried so loud but no body ever came that was so long ago….it does not matter any more. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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| © Copyright 2001 brian madden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kay Vibbert Junior Member
since 2001-08-25
Posts 35Indiana |
I know this is in the critique forum and I offer nothing at this time, just a note to say I'm glad to see you here. I'll read this when I'm more awake and come back with a critique ok? But these lines are my soul: "I did once call cried so loud but no body ever came that was so long ago….it does not matter any more." "It's not gossip unless I tell it to somebody else!" Lucy Ricardo Kay (aka/Irish Rose) [This message has been edited by Kay Vibbert (edited 08-26-2001).] |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Well I did enjoy this piece some interesting images, "every vertical requires a stone to lend against. Some deserters wander upon me like stray dogs sniffing the tattered bone. They come to inspect, make a mark dose me with urine and leave." and the dry sarcastic tone of "it is all the same just another time filler until I can fill a hole somewhere I have never been now that would be a nice holiday!" really stand out, however this poem is not without flaws as I am sure you know. I feel it is quite fragmented which given the mood may work, there are layers and layers of metaphors and while helping to create the atmosphere don't explore or push the theme like they should, this is what I felt. I think if you edit the poem, make it shorter and sharper it could be more powerful. The poem seems somewhat detached showcasing images over emotions, and in some senses it does work but I found the last verse weak in areas "A vulture waits as long at it takes" was my favourite image out of the lot, but I think you need to tie up the concepts of alienation and letting the body go the waste a bit more. Over all an enjoyable read, apologises that I could not have been more help. "the blizzard of the world has crossed the threshold and it has overturned |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Upon reading the first stanza, I was arming myself with compliments... but... in stanzas two and three, I really felt that the point of view was too one-sided. Personally, I don't care for weepy "my life sucks the world sucks" poetry, and while you have some neat images and wording, it does border on whining. However, content is ultimately a personal perception, and just because I don't particularly enjoy that doesn't mean others won't. Most of the first stanza is outstanding. The first line really drew me in. I don't know that the mutilated soil image works, though. 'mutilated soil clings to my open wounds. The fresh bait is what I have always been.' This image borders on the whininess I mentioned earlier, but if you must keep it, I would rework the fresh bait bit into "I have always been the fresh bait". There's really no reason to take on the passive voice and add more words to the line, it just makes it clunky. I liked the opening lines of stanza two as well. It created a good backbone- the theme of the poem was actually proudly stated with 'This is my territory'. 'Some deserters wander upon me like stray dogs sniffing the tattered bone. They come to inspect, make a mark dose me with urine and leave.' Stray dogs sniffeing tattered bones makes me think of alleys, while the rest of your imagery gives the impression of a desert, to me at least. I also think it's a bit too pitiful of an idea- you're tattered bone? I really don't think portraying this poem's speaker as helpless makes him any more likeable- quite the opposite in fact, which may or may not have been the idea. BTW, is 'dose' supposed to be 'douse'? Personally, I did not care at all for the rest of the stanza. The 'fool knew nothing of me' bit makes your speaker not only whiny and helpless (or unwilling to help himself) but also pretentious in the sense that he thinks he is alone or unique in his suffering. Stanza three goes on much the same, but there are a couple images with real possibility: 'A vulture waits as long at it takes.' 'I wear a dying garment of cells decaying and exploding into wrinkles.' I personally feel that the imagery over the emotion was the strong point in this poem- I don't think it's too fragmented, but I do think that you tried to share focus on images and feelings, but the lines with the speaker's emotions came out as cliche. Maybe a simple shift in emphasis towards the visual, and touching a little more on the other senses, would help portray his alienation better. Hope I helped some. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
citizenx thanks for the input. Hush, wow so some of this is good. I am aware that it enters into rant, self pity vibes. 'mutilated soil clings to my open wounds. The fresh bait is what I have always been.' I was following on from the earlier image of the soil, but I see your point about ditching it, the second line "fresh bait" I liked the way it sounded I hate for lines to sound ordinary, I like word play twisting language. I guess I could ditch it as well. You are right it is whiny. At least in the other lines I am introspective with dignity. Yes I was trying to create the image of a desert, maybe I should have used coyotes instead of dogs… But I also liked the image of the alleys. I did not mean that I was the "tattered bone" I was simply describing the way the dogs looking upon me, a tattered bone because dog tends to gnaw a bit on a tattered bone then passes by. Yes "dose" should be "douse" This poem is over a year old, and at that stage I think images were my strong point, I used them to point towards the emotions. At the time I was unable to get a balance between the two. I know I have to tighten up the last verse. "Maybe a simple shift in emphasis towards the visual, and touching a little more on the other sense" I appreciate this suggestion, however the poem and its feelings are exorcised from me, I feel I could only act as an editor not change the flow or add to the poem. It is what it is, I can only hope to make it better not change it. Thanks for your very in-depth critique. It is greatly appreciated. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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Hasenfefer New Member
since 2001-08-27
Posts 1 |
I liked this overall,,,I thought the last section could have been a tad more focused but it was still enjoyed. I am also not usually a fan of the 'my life sucks' type poems but then again poetry to me is self-expression and if you think things are crappy in your life I guess it's going to come out in your writing. Nothing more to add. ---Has |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
a nice bit of wallowing here... split second honeymoon is very clever verbiage.. |
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