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Critical Analysis #1
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The Kiss
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Kiss |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia 
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Now that this one has slipped to the nether pages of open and all the accolades have been acquired let's have a slice at this one: The Kiss © 2001 by Night Hawke(aka Local Rebel) Thirty silver pieces is not reward enough it's not the stuff to raise the Cain stone it isn't this No It is the kiss the kiss is sweet upon my cheek knowing that it veils the complete contempt that hides in your heart behind words that assuage, mitigate, pacify and placate me Judas, Delilah; My hair will grow back No I will not hunt you down and eat you yet that is not what makes you sweat and toss awake each night It's almost, almost flattery you hate me so I go on I turn my cheek again to you yes kiss me first; vengeance, your reproof comes without exertion too no matter what you do to me you will always just be YOU |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
This is something that really has to be read out loud, I think- some of the biblical references lost me, but I'm also not very well versed on my bible stories... 'the kiss is sweet upon my cheek knowing that it veils the complete contempt that hides in your heart' I thought these lines were the weakest in the poem- it's just sort of trying too hard, it could be said more concisely without changing the message, to improve flow- also the whole idea is a bit overused anyway. 'Delilah; My hair will grow back No I will not hunt you down and eat you yet that is not what makes you sweat and toss awake each night It's almost, almost flattery you hate me so' This part is wonderful- just enough info to get the point slammed home, also has room to breathe and gives me time to think about what each image means. I thought the all-caps YOU at the end was very corny. It would have shouted louder in small letters (to me, at least). I'm sorry I'm not being more extensive, but I'm exhausted. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
L.R., This is not almost flattery...it is pure flattery. I loved it...would not change a thing. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Thank you hush; I appreciate your efforts here -- actually I thought that whole stroph was pretty weak -- I'm not sure I understand your comment 'over used' -- there are only three great themes in literature -- love, sex, and betrayal -- so could you elaborate.. also -- improvement suggestions would be intersting as well.. I justified that stroph in my mind by thinking of it as a bridge in a song -- but -- it still bothers me if it isn't read exactly right -- and out loud is best -- the reader needs to accelerate through that without taking a breath in order for it to get the effect it needs. I tend to agree with the all caps comment -- I started off thinking I'd just leave off the last YOU all together.. but.. small letters may work as well -- again thanks.. And warmhart -- thank you too -- its always nice to have one appreciated -- and usually I rarely ever change one -- I just rack up some criticism so I can make the next one better. |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
Aha...I've always had it backwards...get critiqued first and then open... now I understand...open, THEN critique... I learn something every day {grins} |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Complete contempt that hides in your heart doesn't cut it for me. It's a very familiar way of looking at the ambiguous nature of the relationship. I also disagree that those are the only themes in great literature... as for suggestions on improvement, I am, once again, exhausted, but I'll come back to this. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
LR, I agree with Hush on the all caps being corny and that those are not the only great themes in literature. But I don't agree on much else this time. I thought the second stanza was pretty good, probably my favorite part of the whole piece. The reference to Delilah just didn't seem to fit though. I would have left all that out or made it a separate poem entirely. It could stand on it own although I still don't understand the "eat you" reference. JMHO Pete |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Bible imagery usually sets alarm bells ringing as a lapsed catholic I have abused my fair share of bibical references in poetry. However I found your approach refreshing, I have only read this once so to critique would be unfair, I enjoyed the read but I think mentioning more than one bible betrayal was unneccessary. If you expanded and focused more on the kiss that Judas gave Jesus. IT is a more potent image, and one of the most famous and powerful acts of betrayal in history. Just my thoughts |
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PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
LR, I liked it! But I liked one of the lines in one of your replys even beter, "and usually I rarely ever change one -- I just rack up some criticism so I can make the next one better." I feel the same way. If I right a poem and someone does not like it, and then I change it to make it the way that they think it should be........does it not then become their poem????? Or at least, a little less mine? When I write a poem, (which I havent done in over a year) it is because it has meaning to me. When I read someone else's work, I try to figure out what it means to them. I write poetry hoping that maybe someone else will enjoy it. I want to help the reader "feel" the emotions that inspired me to write it. But in the end, all that matters is that I like it. Keep the verses flowing! Poetaster D PS) I'm still trying to figure out what it means to you :-) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
C'mon, do you honestly think this is interesting? I know, I know, you can do better than this. I'll spend some time on this because I know you but not because this is good poetry - do you really want to end with YOU. Start writing Hollywood stuff. Brad |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Brad, no really, tell me what you really think... don't hold back... lol... yeah the Cohen Brothers called just the other day.. hollywood-- what a concept.  (I have done better) the real interesting thing about this poem Brad is how many people have come forward to ask me if it was about them (I sent it out in e-mail to my general mailing list -- it wasn't to any of them) Human nature is always interesting to meDecaflame: um... ok... glad I could help Pete; don't stress over 'eat you' no hidden meanings there...just my own personal warning to people has always been 'I will hunt you down and eat you'-- thanks for the commentary. CitizenX -- agreed the judas line is the main theme here -- but I thought it important to give the other images to the intended victim (er subject) of this poem -- this one is really not about poetry -- it's a message to an actual backstabber -- sort of my own 'hate you' hallmark to someone who doesn't know yet that I know that I've been backstabbed... Poetaster -- glad you could appreciate my philosophy -- thanks for the commentary |
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Carolina Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 224Myrtle Beach, SC |
LR, I too took this poem as a direct reference to me  but only the part about hunting me down and eating me. One of the many reasons that I love to read your poetry is that it can mean so many different things. I gave up three years ago on trying to "interpret" your poetry and you through your poetry. I just sit back and enjoy the ride now. You'll never see me critiquing you, only taking notes.  Live today as if it's your last. Love today as if it's your first. Lisa |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
oh no!! what the hell is doreen doing in the critique forum? i'd never edit you. ever. having a pome of the month written is a good thing.......almost more than mercury, this one's hot!! delilah, i'm not.... all that to say, don't change a word of it..... just browsing today's topics, sweetWings.... and there you were.... suakmotl |
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