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secret luv poem -suggestions?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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secret luv poem -suggestions? |
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steve New Member
since 2000-08-15
Posts 9Canada |
un-named as of yet -----==-=-\-=\\=-\-\\\\\ who is this person that loves you dear who sends his heart from nowhere near who is this guy who'd willing die to have a chance at your side who has the fears to show his cares when you are near but still you hear who do you know that doesnt dare just ask you out and not be queer who could it be you wonder deeply it is simply that person's me Ok.. i am a novice to this poetry stuff, (my heart found love) , and it would be nice to know how i can improve on this poem before i send it off.. any suggestions? |
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| © Copyright 2000 Stephen Seguin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
First of all I commend you! Sounds like you're off to a good start. Also, I think it's very "cool" for you to send this to a "would be" love interest. When I was in college, my boyfriend, who was just a friend before, won me over with some poems. Unplanned, we even had a series of poems that we wrote back and forth to each other during some confusing times in our relationship. Although, they're hardly the work of the Brownings they're still special to me. (I still have them though I'm married to someone else) As far as your poem, I've made some slight revisions, as few as possible to keep it in your style and words, but Maybe a little better. Looked like the emphasis of your rhyme was supposed to be on the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza. In some stanzas these lines didn't rhyme at all or they were not "true" rhyme. I don't know if the words hold the same meaning for you in the way I've changed some of the rhyming words, but this can just be an example. On the 2nd stanza, "die" and "side" are not true rhyme, I left this alone because I couldn't change the words with out changing your meaning entirely. You may be able to get away with leaving that stanza as it is because if the person you're sending this to is receptive, they'll probably be so thrilled that you did this for them, they won't even notice. For the title, I think maybe "Guess Who?" would be cute. un-named as of yet -----==-=-\-=\\=-\-\\\\\ Who is this person Who loves you dear, Who sends his heart From no where near? Who is this guy Who'd willing die To have a chance By your side? Who has the fears To show he cares, When you are near His feelings shares? Who do you know Who doesn't dare To ask you out Are you aware? Who could it be To answer simply, Wondering yet? The one and only... Me!!! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
To Jamie and Steve, The problem with writing love poems to your love is that they always want ANOTHER one. I know, I've been doing it for too long. On the wife's last birthday, I wrote a poem for her and she went - "only one?" Okay, now what kind of poem do you want this to be? As a love poem to a woman, the only reaction that matters is that woman - who cares what the rest of us think. If you want to write a poem that we all like that is inspired by this person, then you need to give us more detail, less rhyme, and make this situation as real as possible. Or, as Jamie pointed out, why not model some poems on the Brownings? Just an opinion, Brad |
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