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Winter's Way
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Winter's Way |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Winter’s Way by Janie Mathis (copyright 2000) Father time has long since lost The flower of our youth Leaving trace of pollen’s dust And broken shafts of truth When, torridly we ventured, Life’s tempest blew her horns; Heeding not the warnings Left by piercing thorns Not unlike the morning dew Refreshing nature’s thirsts Gleefully we danced! Oh joyous songs of firsts! Her path at times was narrow, At times we went astray, But steadily through friendship Again we'd find our way And though from separate gardens, Of varied mellow score, I loved you as a sister And loved you ever more Since, the hourglass has sifted Countless grains of sand Across the country’s distance, Are mostly thoughts by hand But, I thought our love was sealed? Its end I didn’t fear, Made through silent promise, 'Twould last beyond a year Now, stubbornly, I hold you close, A place within my heart Yet, you leave it empty, My tomb unkempt and dark. To know the reason given, Implores my heart to you! But quietly I suffer Not knowing what to do I feel the autumn coming, With sadness in the air, Summer’s fragile flowers Are trembling by the pair. I wish it could stay summer, Yet, comes Winter’s flurry Blowing our forget-me-nots Lost! Their petals scurry. < !signature--> [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 08-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fonics17 Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12 |
I loved this poem! Great use of diction, its so colorful and virbrant, and uses words from every age, and your imagery is incredible! It's almost like romantisism meets modernism. I usually dont enjoy 3 beat lines as much as like tetrameters or pentameters, but i love this use. it helps give it an airy romantic feeling called for. In the 6th stanza I'm not sure if I understand the last line, but it might just be me. Since, the hourglass has sifted Countless grains of sand Across the country’s distance, Are mostly thoughts by hand Mostly thoughts by hand? sorry, i'm probably not seeing something, could u help me out with this? and also, this is just one other humble suggestion...the first two times i read it though, i didnt catch it, but the next line cotains the word "thought" again, which isn't really hitting the repatativeness problem, esp. because its separated by stanza. Otherwise, its one of the most incredible poems ive read on this site. thanks for listening to my thoughts on it! -Chris (fonics17) |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Thanks for taking the time to critique my work. I'm earnestly trying to develop my writing and without valuable feed back from other writers would make this a more difficult task. To answer your question regarding: "are mostly thoughts by hand" What I mean by this is that most communication that's taken place the two friends since their separation has been through written correspondence. Since, the hourglass has sifted Countless grains of sand Across the country’s distance, Are mostly thoughts by hand...... In other words, "it's been a long time since we've seen each other, time zones separate us and what we say to each other is mostly told through letters." You bring up a good point about my use of the word "thought" twice, so close together. Maybe I'll change it to dreamed. "But, I dreamed our love was sealed?" This would still be fitting because the dream can be misunderstood just as the thought is misleading. I'm glad you liked the piece in spite of the meter. The meter in Winter's Way comes naturally to me, however, I just wrote a poem that is like nothing I've ever written which I'm about to post. In it, Alone At Sunset, (which I don't think is finshed yet, but I want some feed back before I get too far into it) I'm trying to imitate William Wordsworth in the way he wrote An Evening Walk. I'd appreciate your thoughts on it. Janie |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again Janie, I think some of my comments to "Winter Comes" still apply here, particularly the occasional forced rhyme. After reading Fonics comment above, this may be partly due to the short lines leaving you little flexibility of wording. For some reason, which I cannot explain now, this one does seem to flow better and those perceived problems are less noticeable. Keep up the good work. I look forward to your next. Ptet |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Pete, it gets really scary when you can't even get your own name right.  Janie (I think I got your name wrong on some my earlier posts today, sorry about that.) Try to get away from the more common images of time "Father time" or "hourglass" and try to give us specific moments, flashes that show the movement of time to yourself. Give us a stronger picture of the relationship between the characters and maybe concentrate on synedoche instead of the actual seasonal terms. Wordsworth is certainly someone to emulate but make sure you emulate the structure and not the diction. Use modern English for that. Just some ideas, Brad |
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