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Janie
Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158


0 posted 2000-08-14 04:04 AM


This is a new style for me. The title doesn't go with what I have written so far, but it's not finished. When finished, the title will seem more appropriate. I wanted to get some feedback before I get too far into it. What I'm going for is a line meter of 10,10,10,11 and then repeated through out the poem. The 3rd and 4th line of each set of 4 lines ends in rhyme, with internal rhyme being prevailent in line 1 & 2 and then 3 & 4.

I'm trying to imitate Wordsworth in An Evening Walk.
Example:

Ev'n here, amid the sweep of endless woods,
Blue pomp of lakes, high cliffs, and falling floods,
Not undelightful are the simplest charms
Found by the verdant door of mountain forms.


Alone At Sunset

Alas! With fears, the lonely child lies in bed,
As confused tears stream down her tender cheek,
And owing to a loss she can’t explain,
Even knowing, understanding is in vain,
Fills her lungs with fresher air, the child tries,
Release of care with each exhalation;
She wonders why, knocks Sin, at her door?
Arrogant spy! Fully knows what’s in store!
To remember then, the moment’s first scene
When, a time once, the girl was still a babe,
And the lasting introductions made, new,
Even then were casting future sorrows too!
And fully, trusting neighbor’s daughter, girl
When for a single word couldn’t utter,
Would pass her growing years to awaken,
Where the grass, should low he slither, forsaken!
Not uncommon, the fondness of his hand,
Not, she thought, more of Affection’s reason,
Long-respected, his actions made her grieve
And hence due, no inconsequential reprieve!





© Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved
fonics17
Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12

1 posted 2000-08-14 02:07 PM


Hi,
Another great piece of work.  I wish I could write as well as you!  About the meter, I think I know what you are describing as 10,10,10,11, but just to clarify, I call it hexameter counting the accented beats.  Coutning the accented beats, I count mostly 6 beat (six accents) in the line, for the most part.  Then again, be warned, I don't have the greatest skill as some other poets on counting beats.  I'm only in high school, lol, and I'm still getting use to this stuff.  
If I'm not correct (which there is a very good chance of), then disregard for the most part the following comments, hehe.  But it reminds me of Homer's Odyssey, orginally written in the greek six beat meter.  It allowed him to be much more descriptive, and like you said, use lots of internal rhyme, and easier alliteration, and of the sort.  
The line "Release of care with each exhalation;" seems a little bit odd to me at the end, the word "exhalation"  The process of exhaling, right?  I can't think of a replacement word, but it just seems a little odd to me, nothing big though.  
Great work! Are you keeping it as one piece, or separating it into stanzas? The subject matter is a sort of thing that people dance around today, and seldom understand the point of view of the child.  I like how you sort of dove into her thoughts, and what shes thinking, her confusion, and her fear.  Great job!  I can't wait until your finished.
Chris (fonics17)



Janie
Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158

2 posted 2000-08-14 07:13 PM


Thanks again. As you can see, I am lacking in my knowledge of technical definitions. I need to do some study on it.

Regarding your thought: "It allowed him to be much more descriptive, and like you said, use lots of internal rhyme, and easier alliteration, and of the sort"

I believe you're telling me I'm not taking creative advantage of the meter I've chosen, that it's too narrative. Is this what you mean?

RE: "exhalation"
Maybe I'll change the line to:
"Mind, releasing care with each burdened breath."

I'm not sure how I'm going to develop the piece from here. On one hand, I could almost end it as it is, but on the other I have a lot of depth not yet added to the story.


fonics17
Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12

3 posted 2000-08-14 09:46 PM


Hi,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that comment about the Odyssesy as a question or suggestion, but as saying that I think you chose a great meter (or Wordsworth did) for the internal rhyme, and assonance and alliteration that your going for, because it makes it so much easier when you have a line of that length.  
In my personal opinion I think your using a correct amount of all that good stuff I mentioned above, and to me what matters most is the actual sound of a line, not how much alliteration or whatever that you can fit inside of it.  And to me, your lines sound simply beautiful!



Janie
Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158

4 posted 2000-08-15 02:19 AM


fonics17, no need to apologize, I just wanted to make sure I understood what you meant.

It's a complex subject and I'm treading on unknown meters. In revising it today, I think I've improved it on one hand, but ended up with more forced rhyme on the other which may be neither good nor bad.

Here's the revision:

How in fear, the child, lonely lies in bed!
Confused as tears, stream down her tender cheek
All owing to a loss she can’t explain,
Even knowing, understanding is but vain.
Taking breaths of cleansing air, how she tries!
Woeful mind! Release of care in each sigh,
Wonders she, “Why does Sin knock at my door?”
Arrogant spy, knowing fully what’s in store!
Oh, what gladly, trusting, neighbor’s daughter!
Who, sadly, single word wouldn’t utter,
How pass your growing years to awaken
Upon grass, where low he slithers forsaken?
Then, foremost scene, Clock’s backward hands reveal
The hidden thief, where lies in wait, to steal;
When lasting introductions made, were new,
Even then was fasting on her youthful dew!
Danger in his hand, the passing seasons,
Comfort, made-believe, Affection’s reasons,
Now, in self-reproach she cries, is left to grieve,
Hence, stays unpaid, his consequence’s reprieve!




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