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Winter Comes
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Winter Comes |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Winter Comes by Janie Mathis (copyright 2000) Like the birds of winter Flee the by-gone day, With smell of bitter coldness, I must be on my way Silence has been broken, Raindrops beat my pain, When suffered by my conscience, Forgiveness wants in vain! Still, Spring’s soft kiss I feel Brush across my feet, Aching from my memory, The loss I yearn to meet! With falling leaves from branch, Howling winds did die, Lost! In final sigh of Breath, Was said our last goodbye |
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| © Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Janie, Welcome to CA (I see this is your first post). Well, I enjoyed your poem. But, in some ways I think it could be improved. Technicalities first. In a couple of places your rhymes seemed a little forced. The third stanza seems particularly so. Then some lines just don't seem to fit, contextually, that is. For instance, what is the purpose or meaning of the second line of the second stanza? Then style. Although each of the images you present is nice in itself, some of them either don't logically fit together or they need something to tie them in. This is much harder to explain as it is just an impression rather than something firm. Finally, there are places where you let the meter control you rather than you dictating all. For example, "With falling leaves from branch, Howling winds did die," from the last stanza (which I really found quite good otherwise) look at the wording of the second line. You wanted to end with "die" for the rhyme, which is fine, but to fit the meter, you added "did." Although this is grammatically correct, you really don't speak that way. Now I admit to reversing word order and other such transgressions occasionally, it really should be done for effect or emphasis. In this case, it looks like it was just to fit the meter. This is just too easy a way out, taken by too many beginners. You can do better by rewording the line. All-in-all, I think you have an excellent start which, with a little effort, can be a really good poem. Of course, keep in mind that all this is just my opinion and feel free to use or ignore any of it you choose. Thanks, Pete |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Pete, Thanks for your input! I do find it hard at times to develop perfect rhyme in a way that isn't forced. I will work on this. However,the third stanza, while it appears forced actually says what I mean it to say in a logical way. Let me explain further and see if that changes your thoughts. What I mean to do in the stanza is show I'm reflecting, literally back on Spring but also in a symbolic way because Spring is symbolic of life, to a time when life, in a reproachful way, brushed across my feet like fresh, green blades of grass reminding me of pain I faced in an anguished situation. "The loss I yearn to meet!" is my way of saying I wish I could go back to that time and make a different choice by being faced again with "the loss". I don't know if this explanation changes your feeling about this particular stanza seeming forced in its rhyme. As for the second stanza of the second line, I see what you mean. I refer to Winter, but I'm write about rain. Of course, it does rain in the Winter, but I see how this doesn't effectively build on my theme. I was attempting to symbolize raindrops as my tears because as raindrops beat a window pane, my own tears were beating my soul equating to the pain of my soul. I also agree I find it difficult to merge the changes in my thoughts and images together without effecting the rythm, meaning and style. I'll work on it some more. Thanks! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again, I think the short lines you have chosen complicate your task. There is certainly nothing wrong in short lines but they can make it difficult to provide much detail, particularly for someone, like me, with limited imagination. As for your description of the third stanza, it does help my understanding. But, in truth, I rather surmised that was the intend. I think I was probably just looking for more detail than might be practical in the chosen format. I'll try harder next time  Thanks, Pete |
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