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Unfateful Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Unfateful Love |
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fonics17 Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12 |
Unfateful Love How sad love seems When the songbirds sing to their Silent forests Where the trees grow indifferently unscathed by the wildfires longing to embrace the dry wood Sometimes I see you so easily And then Iim not there Or your not there Or some foggy place in-between Like right after a morning rain When the smell of lilacs fills the air And the mist slowly covers the land Then you appear again Behind that cold shadow I can see your hand Now your arm... Now your shoulder Now your eyes Looking through me And I fall down again And catch myself against a tree Who pays no mind to me Nor cares really what I'm doing there So long as I don't disturb its branches Or hinder its roots from their water Come sit next to me And watch the clouds float by Unwavering, Undounting, Uncaring Free like a bird, or an afternoon thunderstorm What a nice life it must be But I shall never reach that land And I can't let you go Although you have forgotten me. |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
How sad and forsaken this poem makes me feel. I mostly have spelling corrections. The first 2 times I read it, I thought to myself, "I need to look up that word, 'Lim' and see what it means..." (ha, ha at me) 1."Or your not there" S/be "you're" 2."And then Iim not there" S/be "I'm" 3."Sometimes I see you so easily And then Iim not there Or your not there Or some foggy place in-between" Had trouble with this part, the second line. I would do the lines like this: Use "when" instead of "and then". Like this: Sometimes I see you so easily, When I'm not there, Or you're not there Or some foggy place in-between. That's about all I have to humbly offer. |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
I want to clarify. On 3."Sometimes I see you so easily And then Iim not there Or your not there Or some foggy place in-between" Had trouble with this part, the second line. I would do the lines like this: Use "when" instead of "and then". "When I'm not there" I don't have a problem with your line one and two together if they are by themselves, but only when using line two as a lead to line three. That's when I think line two should be "when" instead of "and then"... You know what? I just figured out what creates a problem for me in the second line of the stanza. "Sometimes I see you so easily And then Iim not there Or your not there Or some foggy place in-between" It's the "And then". Since this is the beginning of your rebuttal "But then" would be better. < !signature--> [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 08-13-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Fonics, I see this is your first post so I'd like to welcome you to CA. I've already said that free verse is not my long suit so I won't try to offer much here. But a little anyway. You offer some good and interesting images but occasionally one seems to not quite fit, for example, the last line of the first stanza. To me, anyway, it just doesn't belong, but remember, free verse is not my forte. You could be a little more careful of word usage, line 3, stanza 2, "Or your not there" should use you're instead. Should lim (or Iim) in l2, s2 be I'm? In the fourth stanza, "And catch myself against a tree Who pays no mind to me Nor cares really what I'm doing there" I'm not sure nor is used correctly. I have used it in a similar context myself and been questioned for using it without neither. As for referring to the tree as who, I accept that as a personification, and a pretty good one. Then in the final stanza, the line, "Unwavering, Undounting, Uncaring" I don't see the need to capitalize everything. If you really want to do that, I think periods would be better punctuation than commas. Well, looks like I said more than I set out to say. Guess as I got into the poem it just became more and more interesting. Good work and, again, welcome to CA. BTW, this is all just my opinion so treat it as such  Thanks, Pete |
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fonics17 Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12 |
Hi pete, Please don't worry, I'd like as much "opinion" as I can get, hehe, as it can only make me a better writer, and I'm just starting out anyway, so as much as you can give I can take! Thanks a lot, I'll do revisions shortly taking in everyones ideas. And..to that mind boggling question everyone has been asking as to the word "lim", yes...it should be "I'm". Thanks! lol. -Chris (fonics17) |
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