Accept me - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

memerash
New Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 2

0 posted 2000-08-14 12:15 PM

Accept me
when it comes to acceptance
I am denied
slashed down
you slice my pride
with who can I confide
if I am no longer loved
no longer cherished
the way as in the early years
the days where I shed ignorant tears
and carried insignificant fears
why do u now look away
at the certain things I say
and now I am scared
sniviling and confused
afraid to give in only to loose
and give you the one thing that you want
to take away so badly from me
but I'm not going to give in so easily
for the bull is silent with inner strength
and I will try to explain myself at full length
but let me first ask of you to tell me
have I no grown?
have to you I not shown
the ability to express my maturity
the negitive silence makes the answer clear to see
so now I slip back into insecurity
and I guess to you I will obey
but just let me say
someday I will have a voice
and then you will no longer have a choice
for I will be the way I am....
despite your fear

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2000-08-14 10:32 AM

Hi Memerash,

Welcome to CA. I'm starting to sound like a broken record now but I am running out of time and I don't know much about free verse so I won't try to say anything of substance now. Someone will be along soon to comment, however.

Thanks and welcome,
Pete

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-08-16 02:47 AM

I would have preferred a more narrative style to this (I admit, that's what I like) but I wonder if you might try modeling some Sylvia Plath - at least to get a feel to what can be done with this.

Also, if you want this to be a sort of 'promise/threat' try to make the ending more concise preferable with an image of danger (not unlike your bull) rather than a simple declaration.

Just an opinion,
Brad

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

3 posted 2000-08-16 01:51 PM

Welcome. I don't know what to say about this poem. I'm usually no good at critiques so I leave it alone, but I read with an eye to the aesthetics of poetry and this comes across with rage but not in the poetic sense.. not for me anyway. Maybe you can dress it up a little, tell the story you really want to tell. I find sometimes that telling helps. This is just how I feel. I look forward to more from you.

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

4 posted 2000-08-16 05:29 PM

Hi,

I liked this.

I just saw a few typos I thought you might like to know about:

"Sniveling", "Negative" and "have I no grown?"
Should this be "not" or did you purposely use the word "no"?

Also, I think I read somewhere that you don't want to substitute "U" for "you" or "2" for two and the like.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.