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Critical Analysis #1
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3 Score & 10
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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3 Score & 10 |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Three Score And Ten A weak chin! Maybe I'll get old and have a weak chin! Maybe I'll be shaky, with a voice that's wafer thin! Have metamucil and oatmeal for breakfast, cruise the boulevard real slow, and give the finger to horn blaring motorists as they pass! Maybe I'll take my dentures out and lick on 'em at lunch. Go to boring bingo games, shoot the breeze and drink punch. I'll probably buy a sports car and pretend that I was young. Pick a few hookers up, throw my money around the town; cuss my Son-in-law out, tell him he's a useless bum! I'll refuse to live in a nursing home! For Christ sakes! Have you seen those people lately? To a man they're off in a zone! And the food that they feed them- My goodness! Did I call that garbage food? Gotta to watch the sodium intake, make sure I get my calcium. Take dialysis from a couple of cool broads in tight white outfits. Being old sure is a ho hum! I'll take the grand-kids for walks and listen to their silly talk. Buy them gifts, make them happy while death around me stalks! Perhaps then I'll work up the nerve to take that silly bungee jump. Take discounts at restaurant, smoke my fingers to a stump. Grow old gracefully? Not me. They'll have to drag me through the sea! |
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| © Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Adorable!! Loved the title as it told me what the poem was about before I started to read. Good job. Marcy |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hmm, I loved this line: Have metamucil and oatmeal for breakfast - I laughed as I read it. and, believe it or not, the random rhymes seem to give it a lighthearted feel to it. A couple lines seem to distract from the overall tone: while death around me stalks! --seems a bit forced - recently I've been reading some amatuer poems that detail the disgust that young people have with the old (I did not like them); wonder if you might give us the reverse if only a bit - old people dealing with the stupidity of the young. Didn't understand 'gotta to watch' I also thought the last stanza didn't give the reader a strong enough punch; again seems a little forced to my ear. What about "Grow old gracefully No, not never me." Which gives the added joke of a double negative - a sort of questioning of 'gracefully' itself. Am I making sense? Brad |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Hey Brad, glad you could get a laugh out of this. You're correct regarding the random rhymes, they were intended to give the poem a light feel. Perhaps I'll take you up on the 'old can't stand the young poem' sometime. 'gotta to' was a typo, should be 'gotta watch', I also agree that 'death around me stalks' is forced, I couldn't figure out what to put there. Then the end, it could certainly read differently. All in all I was just trying to have a little fun with this, and you do make sense. Thanks for reading and commenting. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi yeshujah! i dug this one.  cute cute. the only suggestion i have is this: through most of the poem the voice strikes me as that of a crotchity old guy. but this stanza seems completely feminineAnd the food that they feed them- My goodness! Did I call that garbage food? especially compared to the "christ sakes" you have in the preceeding stanza. so i guess i recommend more crotchity-ness  luv Elyse |
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