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Frozen -(inside insanity)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Frozen -(inside insanity) |
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a-alibaster Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 392
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look inside to what I hide the world can not see what dwells within insanity Frozen question what is real inside a thousand red tears flowing from within my fears Frozen clutching liquid webs that are spun into my soul as the blackness ebbs Frozen screaming silently to gohsts that dance with deamons swaying and drifting free Frozen escaping into my own insanity into a mind no other can see rest my world gently Frozen "There is an alter ego which dwells in every soul..." a-alibaster "I am as I am, nothing more, nothing less, I am tears of pain, tears of Death. |
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| © Copyright 2000 a-alibaster (H.A.R.) - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
alisbaster From a standpoint of your thoughts and "what you were saying"; to me, very clear and dismal(sad); I wouldn't call this insanity but human emotions bottled up and confused.You need a outlet. There is One way, if you haven't tried it wouldn't hurt..get on your knees and give it to God. I know many this path has helped overcome fear, tears and depression. You will be in my prayers. Your friend, Marcy |
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a-alibaster Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 392 |
It has been sugested to me to take out all of the "Frozens" and leave just the last one...any input?? I thought it made the poem have more of an impact the way that I wrote it, not to mention that all of the lines are even the way that I wrote it...3 then 1 , 3 then 1...and so on. Maybe I had the wrong idea?? ohhhhh, and the fact that I mispelled "ghost"...my mistake...got ahead of myself typing. Thank you.... "There is an alter ego which dwells in every soul..." a-alibaster "I am as I am, nothing more, nothing less, I am tears of pain, tears of Death. |
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BreyerRose Member
since 2000-08-12
Posts 55Easton, Pa USA |
I think the "frozen"s do give the poem more impact in the form you wrote it, but I'm no english major. And I would never correct anyone's spelling. My friends often refer to me as the typo queen. I liked it. Hugs and Kisses, Paula |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
You've developed some good images in the piece. I'm not sure I get the style you were going for. In this poem, your rhyming pattern is erratic and I was unable to get a regular beat going when I read it aloud. For me, the part that reads the best is: Frozen clutching liquid webs that are spun into my soul as the blackness ebbs This part: look inside to what I hide the world can not see what dwells within insanity the first two lines are good but the last one is too wordy. Maybe something like: "they can't see my insanity" OR "Insanity that dwells in me" On this: Frozen question what is real inside a thousand red tears flowing from within my fears I understand where you were going with the red tears, but there's one extra beat in this line. The rythm would be better as "inside a thousand tears" but I understand this removes the visual you were trying to create. I looked at possibly editing the line to "in a thousand red tears" but this puts too much stress on the word "in" and that doesn't sound right either. I hope this is helpful. |
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lost hamlet New Member
since 2000-08-15
Posts 5 |
I enjoyed some of the imagery in this poem. These couple of lines are very stellar: clutching liquid webs that are spun into my soul as the blackness ebbs However, I feel that overall this poem is too violen and tears. |
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