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Equilibrium Lost
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Equilibrium Lost |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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I stand mesmerized by its magnificence, a snow-topped mountain, apex piercing veiled layered stratum, reaching into the lower levels of mesosphere. I imagine attempting to balance on the peak, though I find I cannot breathe, equilibrium lost, I tumble onto the crust of snow, winds whip forming icy tentacles, holding me down. struggling, I am able to break free, I stand, raining frozen crystals. I make my way to rocky ground below the gauzy halo, resting upon a jagged, jutting boulder, as oxygen revives my brain. I watch from the rock as the mountain crumbles before my eyes, pieces of smaller rock continually falling towards the valley below. I wonder what time will pass before the mountain fills the valley, becoming rounded rolling hills, blending into surrounding landscape, no longer magnificent, only there. Kris [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-14-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I like the feel you have here! But I think you could do better. Some of the lines are kind of awkward like: apex piercing veiled layered stratum. Might not hurt to take another look at this. Good potential though!  ) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, Marq said it before I got here. That one line just doesn't work for me either. I think it has too many big, uncommon words. Other than that, I really liked the rest. On the one hand, it suggests a dream where the dreamer is in a serious situation but unable to control the environment. Sort of like one of those where you suddenly find yourself in school, naked, and don't know how you got there or where your clothes are. But the the crumbling mountain also sounds like home. The mountains (so they call them) here in Oklahoma are so old that the tallest is probably no more that 1000 feet above the surrounding level ground, although it's said that they were once the size of the Rockies. But, I fear one would have to live a very long time to actually witness this decay take place  So I still think your poem presents an interesting dream.Thanks, Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Marq, I don't know about that line...it seemed to be the only way I could describe it. Thanks for reading and commenting, though. It is always appreciated. Hi Pete, how are ya?  I wrote this facing my final internship...the end of my ties with the support my educational facility has provided. I am glad it is finishing, yet I feel a loss. The mountain represents my struggle to get where I am...I would've never imagined that I would be doing what I am. Though now I'm wondering if it will slowly get to be like many things we do...as the novelty wears off, will I lose interest? Will it seem less challenging? Will it become boring? I don't want that to happen, yet I have a fear that it will. This was a daydream, though put into metaphoric terms. Thanks for reading and responding, Pete, and tell Jim that I am NOT writing a double sestina, and I don't need the instructions from you! Thanks, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, a most interesting metaphor. You really had me fooled except for the part about it being a dream (or daydream, not really that much different). Thanks for the explanation. OBTW, whether you or I pass the message along to Jim, he will surely be extremely disappointed. In fact, he may become so distraught that you could eventually have him as a patient. I wonder where old Jim has been these last few weeks. Don't see or hear much from him lately. Could he have become so taken up in lawyering as to have forsaken poetry and his PIP buddies? Pete |
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