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Critical Analysis #1
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acidic angel
Junior Member
since 2000-08-05
Posts 12
winnipeg, canada

0 posted 2000-08-05 06:59 AM


a method to my madness,
never felt like this before.
looking deeper into the sadness,
burning far let the ecstacy soar.
wandering over your caress,
never wanted to dream even more.
just asking you to confess,
to see the gentle face i adore.

look deeper into my heart,
face the monster you instilled.
take responsibility it's a start,
and let the broken memories fade.
let two tattered souls part,
breaking the promise you made.
consequences seem to dart,
moral laws meant to be obeyed.

you took it all from me,
you made me run away.
living in paranoid fear,
nothing can even compare.
can't you even see,
every single day,
feelings locked,
now you throw the key away
i know sometime
i will make you pay.


((( angel eyes )))

© Copyright 2000 Jasmine - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2000-08-05 08:43 PM


Sorry, but this is far too general to be a strong poem. Can you be more specific? Can you give us more of a context with which to judge the situation? I mean in the poem itself, not as an explanation. Your short lines read as if they were almost typed directly onto the screen. In some circumstances, this can be quite an effective tool but I don't think it's working here. I think you need to develop the ideas more clearly and subtly in order to create a more moving piece.

Don't tell us, show us.

Just an opinion,
Brad

acidic angel
Junior Member
since 2000-08-05
Posts 12
winnipeg, canada
2 posted 2000-08-06 02:47 AM


it's just my feelings tho...
it's a little hard to make a
metaphorical situtation outta
my feelings in my head... well
i guess i could.. hmm.. i'll
try that's all i can promise  
i'll post my attempts at some point.

Amethyst
New Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 7

3 posted 2000-08-06 11:58 PM


I hear you, but do we ever truly make them pay. We end up in the long run hurting ourselves.
I feel the pain in this poem because I feel all of us in some aspect of our life have walk that road before.
I enjoyed the reading thanks you for sharing.

Amethyst

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2000-08-07 11:46 AM


Hi Angel,

Let me add my "Welcome to CA."

I would pretty much echo Brad's comments and add a couple more.

First I think it is very difficult to write a "*****ing poem" because generally you are the only one interested in your particular complaint. It requires something more to make it truly interesting to others. But this really goes back to Brad's suggestions.

Second, in this instance I get the feeling that you let the rhyme scheme control the poem. When this happens, some of the rhymes don't really fit or appear forced. This often makes whole lines glaringly out of place.

Of course this is all JMHO but I think a little more work will help this one a lot. Hope to see more from you soon.

Thanks,
Pete

P.S.  Hmmmm, looks like I said one of the forbidden words   Well, so you don't think it was something really bad, it was just the "B" word, as in "complaining strongly" but the "B" word just seemed to fit better    



[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 08-08-2000).]

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