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Honor ( revised )
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Honor ( revised ) |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa 
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Tis trivial how rigorous the test, < !signature-->or trials of measured cruel dimension, with tenacity and resolve, this quest, survives this duel with just intention. Not blows, nor salty sweat, nor precious blood, deter the virtuous from sacred task, no dire counter power can stem the flood, no quarter is given, no quarter asked. Hear clearly now the sounds of ugly strife, battles waged with ferocious deadly might, not one among them fears for loss or life, naught matters save the search for purest right. Tempt not so foolishly these goodly knights, with riches piled or maidens softly bare, in stealth, or otherwise, these crass delights, be bitter chaff, and wilt in dark despair. Be not sour or ignoble to thy cause, or strip thyself of righteous dignity, for heavy is the price when given pause, in loss of honor and integrity. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost [This message has been edited by pegasus111 (edited 08-01-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Pegasus, I like your use of archaic language, considering the subject matter. I think it is entirely appropriate whether you are talking about old or new knights. Now, here's how I read the revised version, with some comparisons to the original. In the first stanza, you added a foot to the last line making it agree with the second line, iambic tetrameter. "Tis trivial how rigorous the test, or trials of measured cruel dimension, with tenacity of resolve, this quest, survives this cup with just intention." I'm not sure what cup means in this context though. The first line I scan thusly: tis TRIV-i-al / how RIG-or-ous / the TEST I suspect you intended it to be iambic pentameter but it really can't be read that way without forcing the stresses. I can't figure out how to read the third line without stumbling. The second stanza is pretty smooth but still has some problems. "Not blows, nor salty sweat, nor precious blood, can deter the few from straightest path, no dire counter power can stem the flood, of the righteous from desired craft." The meter works better if can is stressed in line 2 but used that way it would be awkward to stress. I suggest a stronger word, such as ought or something which one naturally expects to stress. Line 3 is not iambic but it still reads well to me. Line 4, however, fails, similarly to line 2. It wants of to be stressed and that is simply not done in this language. Also, there is a missing syllable near the end unless you pronounce desired as 3 syllables. I would rewrite that line entirely, keeping the original idea. Maybe something along the lines: of righteous men and their unfettered wrath. In the third stanza, line 2 is missing a syllable between such and deadly. I would drop the comma after loss in line 3. Then line 4 is missing a syllable after naught. I would substitute nothing for naught to resolve that one. "Hear clearly now the sounds of ugly strife, the battle waged with such deadly might, not one among them fears for loss, or life, for naught matters save the search for right." In the fourth stanza, line 1, I think I see why you added thee. But tempt demands to be stressed as I read that line, making it awkward. I would take thee back out, like the original. In line 2, the meter is off a little. I think it can be fixed by swapping piled and riches. In the context of this poem, the word reversal should be fine. See what I mean? "Tempt thee not foolishly these purest knights, with piled riches or maidens softly fair, in stealth, or otherwise, these crass delights, thou be served chaff, and die in dark despair." Now, the final stanza. "Be not sourly ignoble to thy cause, and strip thyself of rare dignity for heavy is the price when given pause, in loss of honor and integrity." The first line has a speedbump. It naturally scans like this: BE not / sour-ly ig/-NO-ble / TO thy / CAUSE Notice the extra syllable in what I have designated as the second foot. With a little effort I think you can fix that. Then in line 2 just substitute some other word for rare which has a second unstressed syllable, like righteous (of course you already used that above but it still might work). Also, I think the line should start with or instead of and. Then I think you otherwise have yourself a powerful ending here. Of course, this is all JMHO so take it for whatever it's worth  This is a good revision. At first reading I thought I still liked the original better, for its wording. But further study convinces me that you have improved it.Thanks, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hey Pete and Pegasus, I don't have the time and energy right now to look at this in detail but I caught a line that I disagreed with: Tis trivial how rigorous the test, I read this as tis TRIvial HOW RIGorOUS the TEST I agree that it's tough to promote that third syllable of trivial to make it,well, rigorous iambic pentameter but I have no problems with the third syllable in rigorous. In other words, he has an ionic minor foot -- du du DUM DUM instead of two iambs in there. This is sometimes called a double iamb so I don't really have any problems reading this within an iambic framework. I think it works fine. I'll try to come back later and see about the rest of the poem. Brad |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
you guys have been great to spend this much time with this. I considered your suggestions carefully and came up with still another revision to the revision..lol..It looks better to me.. what do you think? the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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