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pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa

0 posted 2000-07-27 03:09 PM



Tis trivial how rigorous the test,
or trials of measured cruel dimension,
with tenacity of resolve, this quest,
survives with just intention.

Not strife, nor sweat, nor precious blood,
can deter from straightest path,
no counter power can stem the flood,
of the righteous and their wrath.

Hear clearly now the sounds of strife,
the battle waged with deadly might,
nay one among them fears for life,
naught matters save the search for right.

Tempt not foolishly these purest knights,
nor be ignoble to thy cause,
for heavily the villian shall they smite,
Honor, duty, has no pause.
< !signature-->

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost




[This message has been edited by pegasus111 (edited 07-28-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 pegasus111 - All Rights Reserved
Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

1 posted 2000-07-28 07:37 AM


pegasus,

I thought this was quite well written, particularly for a first post.  Generally I feel poetry with such strict ryhming works better with strict iambic pentameter. What I liked in the poem was that it stuck to the same idea, the resolve of these honorable nights, without going off on tangents, which is easy to occur with a strict ryhme scheme.  It might be my accent, but 'wrath' is to me only a visual and not an audial rhyme with 'path.'
Usually the 'tis and the nay I would not be enamoured with, but I accept you are writing about Olde English subject matter.  Maybe you could do better than re-hashing ideas of brave knights and honor.  If you are going to write about knights, I'd like some fresh perspective, something about knights that you would expect.
But I am probably being much to harsh.  Overall it was a good effort.  Hope to see more.
-Tim

pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
2 posted 2000-07-28 08:25 AM


Tim,
    Thanks for the imput. It is easy to assume that I am referring to Olde English knights because of the style . In reality, the poem is about men of true honor and integrity, regardless of the time in which they lived. There seem to be so few of them around anymore I thought I would just tip my hat to their courage of conviction.

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-07-28 01:00 PM


Pegasis:

I liked it.  There is strength in the wording and good focus throughout.  I was, however, looking for more detail ... some examples of honor to run side by side with the ideal of honor I think you are describing to us.

I think your meaning in the first stanza could be made more clear.  It seems as though you are saying that obstacles (even the biggest ones) do little to resist the strongest resolve but I had to work a little bit to pull that meaning out of the line.  Could be my own density at the moment or it could be something you may want to look into.  Just an opinion.

Also, using the passive voice ("shall they smite") in the final stanza seems to weaken the line, in my opinion.

Welcome to CA and to Passions. Hope to see more of your stuff soon.

Jim

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
4 posted 2000-07-28 10:22 PM


hi pegasus!  this was lvery strong on the imagery tip, and i have to give you props for doing such a hard rhyme scheme.  

but

i too, would like to see a regular meter.  you dont have to pick iambic pentameter, but do something so that the lines that rhyme always have the same rhythm.  i dont know why, it just seems like you can have set meter without using rhyme, but it sounds strange to have patterned rhyme and no set meter.  shrug.

most of the changes i would suggest came from immediately trying to fix the meter (i know, im weird  ) so ill let you figure that out for yourself.  otherwise, i dont think the way you used "nay" is even right with what you meant to say.  maybe its just me, and im probably wrong, but the only things i ever think of nay being used for is to answer a question "no" or to correct onesself.  it's not exactly interchangeable with the word "no", at least for me.  

ok, guess thats all i got  
luv Elyse

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-07-31 09:43 AM


Hi Pegasus,

I just now noticed that this was your first post. Congratulations on a very good start and welcome to CA. Hope to see much more from you.

Thanks,
Pete

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