navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Fairy tales
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Fairy tales Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Ginners
Member
since 2000-07-22
Posts 339
Mullica Hill, New Jersey

0 posted 2000-07-22 02:37 PM


I write a lot and this poem just isnt working out the way i want it to i want it to show how happy i used to be with someon e but how it is all ending and i know it is my fault because i loved him too much.  any ideas?

We used to have someting real, something true
It always felt so good to think of you
But i changed everything and i felt too much
I never wanted our fairy tale to end either
The more real it became the less real it felt
The fairy tale is ending unhappily and it's me
I'm the one who made you cry that day
When you told me we were just friends I was the one who cried
I never wanted my dreams to end this way either
I wish i could have more of our perfect nights
I want to hold you and feel whole again
I want it to be how it was before but i cant change me




© Copyright 2000 Gin Leigh - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2000-07-22 03:46 PM


Ginners, welcome to Passions! I can see that not only have you just joined, but that this is your very first post!

Tell you what.  Why don't you look around the place for a bit, read some of the other poets work, and I'll bet a dime to a dollar that in reading, you will get some ideas to expound in your own piece of work here.

Again, Welcome Aboard!  Enjoy your Stay!

Sunny

~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
Helen Keller ~~~

When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2000-07-24 09:29 AM


Hi Ginners,

Welcome to Passions and the CA. BTW, Sunshine offers good advice, look around a lot. I think this kind of poem is difficult to write with any success. Someone, I think it was Brad (sometimes known as the Ogre)  some months ago observed a general problem with them. You write these laments to your lost love but it's already too late and the lover never reads it. I think a poem would be much more likely to succeed if written for a wider readership, about the lost lover. Of course that's just my humble opinion (JMHO) and I'm sure you will get others soon.

Hope to see more soon.
Pete

pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
3 posted 2000-07-27 02:39 PM


perhaps this poem would be better served by a rhyming scheme.  try it. you might find it produces lines which flow more smoothly. it also forces a more disciplined rhythm. I do not agree with, Not a Poet, however. One does not write poetry of this nature to be viewed by the lost love. rather , by people who have had similar experiences and can relate to the theme. This may be a wider audience than at first suspected.  

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 2000-07-31 02:29 AM


Don't tell us how you feel, show us what you did to make him feel, or you feel, that you loved him. There is a way to do this but be careful of the 'feeling' words (a little might add a lot but be careful) and devote the poem to flashes of images where you keep making the same mistake but, AT THAT TIME, you didn't realize it.

Then have a final image of the breakup.

I don't think you should remorse or regret or pain at the end - let the silence do that work for you.

Just some ideas,
Brad

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Fairy tales

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary