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Scorched (Rewrite)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Scorched (Rewrite) |
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kris_aka_warmhrt Junior Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 15 |
he sits there, outside in the cold, on the porch, won't venture in, yet doesn't wander away. she hands him a blanket from the threshold of the house filled with warmth, affection, much caring. he accepts this token, wrapping it around him when the winds blow too raw, though choosing to remain in the cold, for he fears the warmth, dreads what befell him long ago. scorched badly then, as other houses went up in flames, the pain had seared into him, deeply, leaving behind now camouflaged scars. he is unable to release the anguish, refuses to live in the here and now, to enter her house, embrace the warmth, allow himself to experience the comfort, the joy, the contentment, leaving the past out in the cold, where it should remain. instead, he chooses to sit with it on the porch, shivering in the bitter air. Kris [This message has been edited by kris_aka_warmhrt (edited 07-27-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kristine Karinen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi kris! nice to see you back.  an interesting peice. it seems i have been very anti-preposition of late, and i am repeating myself again here, when i say i think that you could probably pare away a lot of the prepositions you use. to give a for instance... at the threshold of the house filled with warmth, here, the "of" in "of the house" isnt strictly necessary. its easy enough to make the connection between the house and the threshold without the "of" another - with much caring. now, this is probably stylistic, but you dont need this "with" either, after you said it before. you could get away with just a comma. This is another me thing, but i hate that word "within" unless its under very special circumstances. actually, i cant even think of when ive preferred "within" to plain ole "in". this is actually another preposition example, but choosing to remain out in the cold how bout just "choosing the cold"? i dunno, just a thought. pain had seared try taking the "had" out. always makes it more active if you can do without the helping verb. also, later in the poem, think about skipping some of the "he"s. its pretty established that "he" is who we're talkin about, so you could probably get away without it if you want. there go another two pennies. im not too good at this frugal thing  luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, I now see you HAVE started writing again so you can ignore my question in the other thread Well, I see that Elyse has already done an in depth critique and I could add little if any of value.This seems very much like something you wrote before but I can't quite remember which one it was. As always, you present a scene filled with emotion and turmoil. Another one very well done Thanks, Pete |
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kris_aka_warmhrt Junior Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 15 |
Hi Elyse, Thanks for reading, and for critiquing. I do agree with you about some of the prepositions. I think it comes from my prose-writing background, and sometimes I don't even notice it. Thanks for pointing it out. The "of" and the "had" stay, though. I think you gave at least a quarter's worth there, Elyse...watch your pennies! Pete, What a sweet welcome back. Of course there was also your kind words regarding my poetry. Thank you very much, sir.You're probably thinking of "Agoraphobia". That was a whole different type of scenario, although there were some similarities in the words. Nice to see your words again, Pete. It seems to me that you are fully back to your old-self, if not better. Thanks again, Kris [This message has been edited by kris_aka_warmhrt (edited 07-27-2000).] |
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