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Blood Shot
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Blood Shot |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Over many moons and starlit rivers of dreams and visions swooned. Of late in quiet reverie you dissipate. I've seen you in my lake of dreams, a fake it seems. The thickness of ancestral hair, donned upon my inner fears. I care. Your eyes aflame with sadness bright, pure limbs as black as midnight's blight. Upon the precipice of life, a kiss away, a tear away; always so near, so near, so near. I still await Makeda. |
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| © Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I sometimes wonder if this is not the perfect type of poem for the internet. Given that we read A LOT of amateur poetry, we come to expect what's coming next. I started reading this (and was a little surprised that it was Yashujah), and went, uh huh, yeah, lakes, unmetered rhymes, inversions to make more rhymes etc. By about two thirds of the way through, I'm trying to plan a response that is both polite and true to my utter dislike for this poem. And then, BAM, you give us the Queen of Sheba. It completely caught be off guard and changed my whole view of the poem -- I loved that ending. I honestly don't know if it would work in another medium but I think it works here. I still don't like the inversions though.  Thanks, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
YeshuJah: My first reaction was very much like Brad's and my final reaction was very much like Brad's. I was not aware that the Queen of Sheba was also known as "Makeda" (I may be assuming too much from Brad's comments) but I am somewhat familiar with the romance between the Queen of Sheba and King Solomon from my reading of Song of Songs several years back. I though you did the longings of Solomon justice (and those of every man separated from his love, for that matter) with your poem. I enjoyed the read. I found some of the rhyme distracting ("late/dissipate", "hair/care") but in other places ("precipice/a kiss") I think it worked. Later. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 07-25-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I didn't know either; I looked it up. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Brad, I feel blessed that if you were going to carve this up you would have used your polite side. I know that is hard to do, especially when one reads so much, as perhaps you do, that is mundane. Believe me, I understand. I'm glad that the end saved the poem. I will explain. Jim, you are correct about the name, as Brad has pointed out, and I'm glad that you were also saved the unplesant task of carving up yet another poem. Now for that explaination. This poem is very, very, dear to my heart. Only because it is written about my daughter whose name is, you guessed it, Makeda. I wrote the poem the night my wife and I endured the pain of a mis-carriage. I had dreamed about a baby girl. In fact, about Makeda. Before we were married, I sat at work one day and the name came to me. I had never heard it before, and I called my wife, she wasn't my wife then, and I told her excitedly that we would have a little girl and that her name would be Makeda. It was several months later that I stumbled across the name, of all places, in a Bible dictionary while looking for the meaning of aother word. As you can imagine my pulse raced. My wife and I got married 3 years ago and she became pregnant the first year of our marriage. We were both excited. However, as I mentioned above she had a mis-carriage. I wrote this poem while sitting on our bed that night with tears streaming down my face. I could not sleep that night. But my wife conceived again and we hoped and prayed and Makeda was born. She is now six months old and the joy of our lives. I put the poem out there because I no longer await Makeda. She is here! Well, there you have it. The whole sordid teary eyed saga behind Bloodshot. I hope you all can forgive a father who waited and now loves. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
YeshuJah: That is quite a story ... as a parent I think it is safe to say that your little Makeda was well worth the wait. Jim |
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