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death of the innocents
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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death of the innocents |
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decardes New Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 7singapore |
Death of the Innocents Withered babies clasping pails on swollen stomachs roam Their bloated bellies and sunken eyes We leave them all alone They start out ripped from wombs weaned on empty breasts. Monstrous heads give gentle smiles Innocence amass. Chocolate skin stretched to far engulf the frail life Their bellies and heads not in size Products of war and strife Their twisted shadows in sunlight form the startling reality For these broken babies are dying with no one's sympathy Their bodies light and feathery their cries mingled with mud if you slit their wrists now will you still get blood? |
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| © Copyright 2000 melanie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
While the theme is an effective one, you do little to bring the reader into the moment. Indeed you seem more interested in showing indignation at the apathy of others than in creating empathy in the reader for the children's plight. A couple points: --'chocolate skin' -- I'd be very leery of this phrase. It has a history and not a good one. with no one's sympathy --does this include the speaker of the poem? Their bodies light and feathery their cries mingled with mud if you slit their wrists now will you still get blood? --I'm not at all sure what you are trying to imply here. Is this a satiric move in the tradition of Swift's "A Modest Proposal"? If so, you need a very different tone and the last line objectifies the children in, well, to be honest, a bizarre image that is both illogical and unmoving. What exactly are trying to do here? Just an opinion, Brad |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
I read your poem with interest as I do with all, and I just want to know if you have been to Africa(I say assume Africa because of your description 'chocolate skin)and seen such children? Your line 'their cries mingled with mud' makes me wonder what region of Africa you speak of, as two of the biggest killers of children in Africa are aids and drought related deaths(ie. hunger). not areas affected by enough rain to create mud! I'm off on holidays tomorrow, so, sorry can't spend more time on this. Take care and keep up the creative work. |
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