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Critical Analysis #1
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Turn the Time Deep ... (Reposted from Open #8)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Turn the Time Deep ... (Reposted from Open #8) |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
Love the Open Forum and it's always great to hear nothing but nice things being said about one's work, but I'm in need of more critical review of this particular work ... Does it work? ... THROW DARTS ... TURN THE TIME DEEP … Deep in the mind of every man, lies the knowledge of time; Deep in the knowledge of time, lies the heart of every man; Deep in the heart of every man, lies the instinct of good; Deep in the instinct of good, lies the soul of every man; Deep in the soul of every man, lies the vision of heaven. Time has remained silent to these -- only visions in the mind's eye; The mind's eye has remained silent to these -- only dreams of the spirit; The spirit has remained silent to these -- only ghosts from the past; The past has remained silent to these -- only a repeat of the future; The future has remained silent to these -- only man's own history to guide. Turn back edges of space and see the face of God -- mirrored image of man; Turn back mirror's silver and see clear windows of time -- clock of the universe; Turn back the clock's face and see mechanism of life -- mystery to be solved; Turn back mystery's page and see the image of birth -- life to be lived; Turn back life's years and return, deep in the mind of every man. M.A. Miller 05.09.00 [This message has been edited by MA Miller (edited 07-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 ma miller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
I can't give you a technical opinion, I'll leave that for the ones who know what they're talking about  I liked the theme but I got caught up in all the repetitions...for me it took away from what you were saying. debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry MA, but I guess the repetition didn't work for me either. Though it reminds me of "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?" but with shorter verses and more of them. Oops, guess I'm giving away my age here  Interesting idea though and you do have some pretty good lines. Maybe you'll get better help from someone else.Pete |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
I have to agree with both opines left ... I've decided to rework it to remove the repetition, without detracting from meaning ... I'll certainly keep the original intact, but date the revision ... Thanks to you both ... |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
actually, i kinda thought the repetition was neat--after i got used to it. but it didnt really strike me as poetic. i think it's because your lines seem like complete sentences. maybe that's it. anyway, the only question i have is who are "these" in the second stanza? that really tripped me up. another suggestion, how bout trying this as a sestina? you're already into repeating those words i think you could easily find six to be your end words. probably including "time" and "man" and maybe "spirit" or "soul". now, please realize that's just me picking out what i percieve to be a few of the more important or more often repeated ones. give a sestina a try, they usually come out cool luv Elyse |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
You'll have to excuse my ignorance, Elyse, but I have no idea what you're talking about (sestina)? ... I've been writing for three months and never studied poetry ... I beg for a layman's version of your impressions ... "These" refers to the ideas set forth in the first grouping of phrases ... thanks for the critique ... |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
I’d keep the repetition but insert perhaps four lines of explanation (poetic of course) to substantiate the statements between each couplet. This would soften the staccato feel of the one line statements and give the reader more meat to get their teeth into (or fangs in Brads case). The downside to all this of course is that if you keep all your existing lines and insert four per pair you’ll end up with a rather long poem. The choices are; lose some of your existing lines; insert less lines and run the risk of under-explaining; or put up with the fact that it’s a going to be long and make it so good that the reader won’t get bored before the end. This is of course just an idea, you can dismiss it as a bad one without fear of offending me, I have bad ideas all the time. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
Craig ... I will toy with adding between 2 and 4 lines after each, but I fear the piece will lose its directness (which was what I was after in the first place) ... I also do not want to lose how the title was conceived; that is, if you take the first words in each sentence and read them from bottom to top, you get "Turn The Time Deep" ... I will continue to ponder an approach and maybe repost at a later date ... Thanks again for everyone's input ... Hope I can do the same sometime ... M.A. [This message has been edited by MA Miller (edited 07-13-2000).] |
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